Adult tantrum

(all family photos taken by @andreza_rocha_ ….go and check her out!)

Wow I have been super slacking in the writing my blog department….for about three years now. Quick update….we had three weddings in 2019….we moved in August of 2020…..we had a grandbaby in October of 2020….we had CoVid in December of 2020….we moved again in February of 2021….we blessed our grandbaby and saw all of our kids in April of 2021….now it is summer. There, now you are all caught up!

There has been so much emotional management in so many different areas for so many people! Moving and adjustment is hard work. There has been a lot of adjustment. It has been painful for all of us. I think I will update the blog photos. We had family photos taken in April and now my wall is updated. The blog is next.

We are starting to go back to church. That has been really strange. When we moved in, church was at home… we have been pretty slow in meeting people. We were not the only ones who moved in! So many people are new in our ward and area! We are in Redding now…and this week it was HOT…like 108, in June! People here refer to the summer as ‘the oven’. Here we go.

I am sad today. I have new responsibilities in my new ward. I am having to let go of things from my old calling and ward. I am really sad about that. But I know this is where the Lord wants us and what He wants us to be doing. The kids are growing. Drew is growing. I suppose I am growing and learning too.

I think I have been in what Diana would call ‘survivor mode’. Just managing the things that needed to happen and trying to help my immediate family has been all that I have been able to do or to think about. I am starting to come out of it…but I am still unpacking…still! Ugh! I hate moving. I am in survivor mode in my emotional management too. Just the next right step. That is where I have been. I can’t look too far down the road. Just ‘what needs to be done today’. It is difficult for me to access the feelings.

When I go here, I turn off the emotions so that I can function in the day to day. Periodically the emotions sneak up on me and I have to stop what I am doing and allow myself to feel. I have done a better job of that with all of these transitions. I haven’t packed the moving grief onto my grief iceberg. But I still do not always allow myself to feel. I am too busy. Then the Spirit reminds me…you have to slow down to have the feelings, Carin. You cannot run so fast. Slow down.

I have slowed waaaaayyyy down from where I was running. But the Spirit says, you are not slow enough yet. Slow down more. I wish I was not quite so results oriented. Writing forces me to slow down. Even during the writing of this blog post, I have been ready to be finished about four times, so I can move on to other things. And in my head I hear, go back to writing, Carin….you still have not accessed the feelings. Ugh! Why do we have to have feelings again?

I am sad…still sad….still grief. All of these changes have caused more grief…except the grandbabies! That is pure joy! No grief! (Yet). Yes, I said ‘grandbabies’! We have another one arriving in August. A pink one! (See what I did there? I was just starting to allow myself to have the sad feelings and I redirected and changed the subject so I didn’t have to be sad… bogus!) I miss my people. I miss so many people! I miss my relationships in Eureka. I don’t have those in Redding. No 20 year friends here. It isn’t that I lost my Eureka people….but we aren’t in each other’s lives and business. My deep, deep relationships are not here. I can shoot a text and say hello. I can drive three hours and see people….but it just is not the same. And it will never be the same. And I have to be OK with that and move on to new people and new things and new experiences designed to help me and my family grow.

Sometimes I hate my own motto! I have this cross-stitched on our walls: In this home we practice and promote growth and development! I don’t want to grow! I want to kick and scream and throw an adult-sized tantrum! I am here! I am doing what you want! I am trying to be cheerful and exercise my faith….but I am NOT Happy Bob! NOT Happy! THIS was not in my plan!

…..Which is kind of crazy because I have wanted to move forever! I guess I had an agenda about that too!

Isn’t it funny how when we get what we want, but it isn’t the way we wanted it, we still aren’t happy? I am a brat!

I have been avoiding my feelings for almost an entire year! It was a year ago in June (near the end) that a friend reached out to us and said, “Hey come and work over here with me….” And we applied on the 4th of July and by mid-August we were moving. Now we have done it. I miss my people. I miss the beach and the redwoods. I miss 60 degree weather….I really miss it right now.

But I have cool things here. I forgot how much I enjoy the heat. Not everyday, not all day, not 108!! But 80 is nice! Warm evenings are nice. Crickets are nice! Swimming pools are nice! Ice cream and popsicles are nice. The people here are nice. I LOVE my new neighborhood! My kids can finally play in the neighborhood. We never had that in Eureka. Sun is nice. Redding is the 2nd sunniest city in the United States…apparently. I can grow tomatoes, I think. The ground at my house is not great….red clay, full of rocks. So I have to make some raised beds.

This is the first time I have let my guard down and just been sad about moving.

I have to learn to trust my Father in Heaven…again….at a new level. When we moved to Eureka from Provo, I wondered, What have we done?! But it all worked out. I learned to love it! I need to give Redding the same opportunity. I need to learn to love it. Not quite there yet. That is OK. Time will tell. I know He loves me. I know He wants to help me grow. I know He wants me to become like Him and that requires doing things I do not like and things I do not want to. And I will do them. But the learning only really works if I make my heart do its work and participate in the process too. I would rather just turn it off and go to work. But that is not the work I am called to do right now.

Right now, the work is to allow myself to have feelings…that is the work. Have feelings. Ugh. Nothing else. Just let life unfold and have feelings about it Carin, and write. Write about your experiences.

Well….I got there. I got to the feelings.


(Photo copyright: Karen Larsen photography)

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