Period of Winter
Well, I have been gone from the blogosphere for a little more than three years now…more than that, if I am really honest. It has been so hard! I have been buried in dirt—over and over and over again. Over the last three years, several times I have felt like I am just about to break through the surface and feel the sun. I am almost there…
…and then it comes….
More Dirt! Sometimes it is just a shovelful. Other times it feels like a dump truck load. It doesn’t really matter how much it is. What matters, is I am buried again! And I have to fight for light….again! Five years buried in dirt. Five years of winter.
I have brought all of my resources into the dirt with me. I am unavailable to help others—not because I don’t want to. My heart yearns to help. But my head knows that helping others—today, right now—will over extend the energy I have to survive the winter. There is only so much emotional energy available. And right now,I am using all of it to try to find the light.
I am doing what I know. I am reading my scriptures (not as often or as deeply as I should be). I am praying. Most nights and days I am pouring my soul out to my Father in Heaven. I have never spent more time on my knees, in my closet (literally, my closet!), or cried more tears during my prayers than I have these last five years. I am going to church and the temple and renewing my covenants. I AM doing this things. I am still buried in dirt and fighting for light.
There is a lot of light (actual sunlight) where I live. The Lord has moved us away from the dreary clouds of the coastline and put us in a place where the sun shines all of the time. I am sure part of the reason He did that was to physically surround me with light while my soul struggles through the winter.
There are glimpses of light—I see them periodically. I am an optimistic person by nature. But if I allow myself enough time and space to feel—I am deep, deep in winter. I don’t know if the light will ever come. And I am so tired. I am tired of living in and struggling through my emotional dirt. Right now, it just feels like a pile of manure, anyway!
Hang on!! The light will come! The manure is good for you! It will help you grow!
Really?!! Cause right now it is still dark! And it STINKS! And there is no light! And I am tired….