This is where I am right now in so very many aspects of my life. Every once in a while I think I finally have a handle on things. Then I am quickly reminded that I am nowhere near close. I think that is one of the reasons we have had another baby. I was finally getting to the place where my house was mostly clean, most of the time; the children were all reading, almost all bike riding, mostly swimming. I could always shower. The laundry was caught up. I even would make the children clean their rooms once in a while and scrub mold out of windows and off of walls. And on very few occasions, I was even out in the garden and doing yard work. All of that is out of the window and I am constantly struggling. Spencer reminds me that he asked me to wash his socks two days ago because he doesn’t have any clean. The breakfast dishes don’t get done until I am trying to cook dinner. Part of my brain fog this week is that I am sick….but still plugging on. I do not take enough time to process my emotions because I am so busy trying to run our household. At these moments I just think, why?? Why?? Why do I have to be back in this place?? Didn’t I do a good enough job the first time? Haven’t I done this enough? Why do I have to do it again? I thought this was over.
Well, in the very quiet moments, I know why. It is because only in this place do I really turn my entire self to God. It is because I really, truly cannot manage this on my own and I plead for help and I plead for strength and I beg for release. Because it is only when there is too much for me to manage, too much for me to stuff, too much of everyone and everything that I really open my heart and rely on the Atonement. Having a baby puts me there. It is the sheer physical exhaustion and the demand it creates when I just don’t have the energy to stuff it all inside, put my head down and keep working.
The REAL question is WHY do I have to be in this place BEFORE I turn it all over. WHY don’t I do it sooner? I am so very arrogant sometimes to feel so in control. I am a CONTROL FREAK!! And now I need to go and take care of some of those beautiful little people the Lord has sent to remind me that I am not in control…..now or ever!