That Whole Agency Thing…..

copyright…Karen Larsen photography

I am not even sure where to start……

Blogging for me is therapeutic.  There is no other way to say it.  It is here that I process my feelings, as scary as that is.  Not that I need to write for the world to know the innermost thoughts of my heart, but writing allows me to access that part of myself.  For some reason, with the business of the world, I just never seem to get back to there.  But when I write, I reach down into my soul and pull the words out.  Gosh it feel so good!!!

Our life has been super challenging.  Over the holidays and right after, I think we were sick for about eight weeks straight!  I kept Spike Spike home from school for three weeks because we just could not get control of his asthma.  Then when I finally did send him back to school, he was there for four days and came home with pneumonia.  I was sick during that time too, and sleep deprived.  We have had car issues, and work drama, school drama, ward drama…….stuff everywhere!  I don’t know that I need to go into all of it, but how grateful I am for General Conference coming up this weekend!!

It is one of the two times during the year when I get to just sit at home and soak up the Spirit without any expectations for my behavior.  I tune the rest of the world out!  I am busy that weekend!  Sorry!  Deal with it!!!!  (Although to be honest, Sun does have a rehearsal on Saturday…..but she is only going to one hour in between sessions instead of the two hours they have scheduled.)  And this General Conference will be even more wonderful!!!  For the first time in 5 and 1/2 years, my husband won’t be the Bishop!!!

Drew was released last Sunday.

Happy, happy day!!  I do not mean to sound ungrateful.  Serving our ward has been a wonderful gift.  I know we have received blessings for his service.   But you know what?!  We have not received one phone call for the Bishop in almost a week.  No extra meetings.  No drop by’s.  No ‘please tell your husband’ texts.  We need some down time.  My husband does not exactly run fast, and I think he has been running faster than he likes to for about 5 1/2 years.

Over the last six months, I have been really struggling with some very deep seated sadness.  It isn’t anything recent, in fact it is really, really old.  I have recognized that I do not have expectations of others, because the person I do have them of and their importance to me is so completely disappointing that I have buried it way down deep, and I have been carrying it around for a long, long time.  Over the last year, the Spirit has helped me to see that is what I have been doing and over the last six months, He has been trying to convince me to let it go and turn it back over to Heavenly Father.  I have been holding on for about 40 years now thinking that if I just wait and hope and pray a little longer, things will change.  Finally, the Spirit has prevailed and helped me to see that the thing I desire most is completely out of my control and not even in my wheelhouse of stewardship.  In fact, it is completely the responsibility of someone else and I have to be OK if they choose to use their agency in such a way that my expectations are actually unrealistic.  That has been super painful to face.  I don’t think I have been able to write simply because it has been so very painful and how do I process all of that publicly anyway??  You don’t ….which is why I haven’t been writing.

I have written here and there in my journal, but it isn’t the same.  Most of my journalling (I am making that a verb, even if spell check doesn’t like it…..), is done in the morning while I am trying to plan my seminary lesson.  And I don’t know about you, but as soon as I get one lesson out of the way, I have to teach another one tomorrow, so it isn’t even like I have time to process.  Plus, the New Testament isn’t exactly my area of expertise.  It has been a long year.  I am really glad it is almost over.

I love teaching! Love it!  I love my kids!!!  I have SIX Seniors!!!  We have really had some amazing discussions and really had a lot of fun in our classroom.  I am really sad they are all going to be graduating.  I know that is what is best for them.  But next year I have zero Seniors….well, one inactive one.  And I am always disappointed that more of my class doesn’t come more often.  That is another place where I just have no control.  That whole agency thing again.

When I was a younger mother and we had first moved here, I visit taught an amazing woman who I loved and looked up to.  She had lots of teenagers and some grown kids too.  One day during our visit, she told me that she wasn’t sure she like this whole agency thing.  I just couldn’t wrap my head around why she felt that way.  I am starting to get it.

Watching people I love use their agency to make mistakes or unwise choices has been really hard for me.  I pray for peace.  I try not to pray for understanding.  I pray to see them as the Lord does.  I pray for love and the ability to be kind even when I do not agree.

Having studied enough development, I should be able to understand and reason that most people do not make decisions they disagree with.  If they are following a given course of behavior, it is usually because whatever they have reasoned out in their minds is what they think is best for them.  I can kind of get that.  But where I really struggle is when I know they have information that should lead them to want to follow God’s way, and yet, they just choose not to do that.  So far, that has not been my children.  But it is people very close to me.  People who I love.  People who I want to be with me in eternity.  But people who are making other choices and their mortal time of decision making is almost over.  I think as the time is drawing closer and closer for them to cross the veil, I am facing more and more grief every day.  I am recognizing that I have to turn it over to my Father in Heaven or it will eat me alive.

I am still functioning and taking care of my family and my class.  But there is a lot more crying—which I know is good.  It is not depression.  It is just a sign of how much grief and loss is in there.  I asked in my prayers the other day, why, why is it so difficult for me?  Why is there so much grief over this loss?  Why can’t I just say, well, that’s how it is and that’s their choice.  Oh well!  I should be happy with the response.  But it just makes me more sad.  The answer was because I love so deeply.  Well, if I didn’t, then it wouldn’t hurt so bad would it?  Sometimes I wish I could just function that way.  That’s not the right answer, by the way…..

See??!!  Look what I did?  A few paragraphs in and already down to the core.  That didn’t take too long.  Now the tears are coming.

I really just need to reframe the whole situation.  I REALLY need to give it back to my Father in Heaven.  He loves them more than I do.  He can help them more than I can.  It is not my job.  But I certainly wanted it to be my success.  Maybe that is part of the problem.  I really struggle with the results of things.  I measure how well I did my job by statistics and the success and choices of my people.  That is not a true measure.  And those things don’t belong to me.  That whole agency thing again……

Thanks for listening, Blogsphere……

copyright: Karen Larsen photography

It is obviously a work in progress and I am no where near finished.

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