Have you ever woken up in the morning, and before you even get out of bed, felt that pit in the bottom of your stomach?  And you think, “Ugh!  This is going to be a hard day”.  It has happened several times to me since the 12th of May.  My 30 year-old nephew died unexpectedly that day.  The first week was the worst. I would go to bed after crying most of the day, sleep well, and before getting out of bed the next morning, think, “Oh ya, this is reality, he really is gone”.

If you have been reading my blog at all, you already know I have been swimming in a sea of grief for the last six years.  The reasons do not matter.  The point is: the waves keep coming.  I keep thinking, oh, maybe, just maybe, I am going to reach the other side and finally step onto the shore.  Nope….just waves, all around me waves.  As far as I can see in any direction…waves.  I am left to wonder how much longer can I tread water.  I gave up trying to swim a while ago….it is just too exhausting.  “I only doggy-paddle,” a line from the Princess Bride.

Today, I am not sinking.  I AM doggy-paddling.  But some days, I am sinking.  I have not yet prayed for relief.  I have prayed for strength, to endure.  I have prayed to not shrink, to be equal to the task in front of me, even if that task is simply keeping my head above the water.  And I have prayed to be kind to others, especially those who have no idea I am surrounded by a sea of grief and who choose to be unkind because they have no clue where I am or what I have been doing.  I pray to be nice to them because I could very easily bite their head off.  I have that in me, unfortunately.  Maybe that is part of what Heavenly Father is trying to root out of me through this prolonged grieving experience?  

It’s not always horrible.  I am in the sea.  There are waves.  Sometimes the sun is out and the sea isn’t too stormy and I choose to swim, for just a little while.  But I can see the storm clouds building on the horizon and it isn’t too long before I am again engulfed in the wind and the rain and the giant waves and I am sinking, again…..and I have no idea how long the storm will last.  I guess I am just struggling to realize that I am STILL in the SEA!  Ugh!

I noticed a little while back, I gave up my agenda.  I am a planner.  I always have a plan.  I am always trying to execute my plan.  Somewhere in this process, the plan became, let God prevail.  Do things His way.  Let the process unfold and just have feelings about the experiences.  Oy!  That is a tall order for a planner.  But I am no longer trying to rearrange the pieces to fit what I think “my life should look like”.  It is His plan, and I am letting it unfold and trying to have feelings.  That takes a lot of faith and trust (not exactly my strong suit).  I have slowed life down.  I do not run as fast as I used to, and living in a new place, my skills and talents are not as well known, so requests for my services are minimal.  That has been very helpful to slowing life down.

Do you remember the story in the New Testament where the Apostles are rowing across the Sea of Galilee during a storm and the Savior walks on the water to them?  At first, they are frightened because they believe they are seeing a ghost or a spirit.  Remember, there is no electricity and it is in the middle of the night during a storm.  So they probably only see Him during the flashes of lightening….and He keeps getting closer.  That would probably freak me out too.  But when He speaks to them and tells them not to be afraid, when they realize who He is, Peter says, Lord, bid me to come unto thee on the water.  And the Lord says, Come. At first, Peter is doing fine.  But then, as he loses his focus on the Savior and becomes more concerned about the wind, and the waves, and the storm, he begins to sink.  He cries out to the Savior, Lord Save Me!  And He does.

I have thought a lot about this experience as I am treading water in my sea of grief.  If I keep my eyes and my focus on the Savior….if I am always trying to seek the Light, then I find I have the energy to swim, or just doggy-paddle.  It’s when I let myself be too concerned with the wind, and the waves, and the storm, that’s when I sink.  That’s when I have to cry out to be saved.  But if I can just keep my focus on Him, then I have the strength to endure what is in front of me, no matter how long I end up needing to tread water.

Copyright: Karen Larsen photography