Maybe Moving…..One month later.

Well, it has officially today been one month since our interview and a full 28 days since they told us that Drew did not make the second round of interviews.  Normally, that would have been enough and I would have completely let go of the entire process and realize that once again, we are not moving but are staying here in Northern California.  Except…..

Ever since the announcement came out, I have had the feeling we are moving.  When we went for the interview, it went great!  Amazing things happened with getting Speedy into the Early College High School in their area.  It was not easy!  We had tons of hoops to jump through and were told that they didn’t usually accept other students and their school was full.  But we were told to jump through the hoops anyway.  The Spirit confirmed that we needed to jump through their hoops….application, letters of recommendation, essays, academic transcripts, attendance records and discipline files.  Seriously!!  Then it seemed to take forever!  Last week we got the phone call that when we actually make the move, there will be more paperwork to do so Speedy can attend there.  He is in!!  It is amazing!  A blessing!  A gift!!  The only issue is right now we don’t have a job and we aren’t moving.  Why do we need to do that?

My question for General Conference has been, are we really moving or not??!!  During conference, several times, I received, ‘This talk will help you when you make the move.’  So we are moving??  I get little hints and stories of just enough hope to keep me thinking that we really are moving.  Before we received news that Speedy would be able to attend their school, I got a phone call from someone here in this area looking for work and calling all of the bishops.  She wanted to talk.  She told me of the story of her husband not being hired by the company he currently works for and how they called him three weeks later and offered him the job.  Then I think, is that what we are doing?  But the three weeks has come and gone and no phone calls, no indication that anything is happening except for this nagging thought in my head…….yes, you are moving.

When I try to make plans for just a few months out or for the summer, I can’t seem to actually do that.  I am putting things on hold, ‘just in case’.  I feel slightly schizophrenic, just slightly.  Our entire family is talking about if we are moving.  But just one problem……………………..we have no job!!!  And no indication that one is coming!  Nothing but the small whisperings of the Spirit, to me, who is often wrong.  Lovely.

Early in the process, before we didn’t have a second interview, I heard, “It is going to be different than you think it is, so don’t get angry or frustrated. You can trust me.”

OK. Well, I am trying, but I don’t feel like I am very successful in the process.  I am not angry or frustrated, but I am certainly confused.  I don’t get it.  I don’t understand.  Are we moving or not?  If not, I need to let it go and move on and work here.  If yes, then I have things to do, a lot of things to do.  But right now, my job is to wait and trust.  (I hate waiting—quote from the Princess Bride, with the proper accent, of course.)

I know there is a point to the process.  This week, I had a major break through.  Since General Conference, I have been really sad.  I have recognized my sadness only because I have noticed that I am medicating it with carbohydrates.  I have not been horrible in my eating, but I have not been good and I have really, really struggled.  As I have been praying and pondering about why I am sad, because I really have not known, I thought about my mother.  Then I made a comment to my husband about the move and about my mother.  That comment sank into a pit in my heart and then I knew why I was sad.  I was sad about leaving my mother.

I live six hours away from her.  It isn’t like I live close, or like I see her often, or really ever.  But somehow, living here has meant that I am close enough to hope for some kind of a relationship.  Over the past year, the reality has hit me that I am not going to have that kind of a relationship.  Relationships take at least two people.  When one person doesn’t want it, it doesn’t work.  Heavenly Father has been helping me to take off the rose-colored glasses of my childhood to see things as they really are.  It has been painful and there has been a lot of sorrow for me.  But as I like to live in the realm of truth, I recognize the process as necessary for my growth and benefit.

If we had gotten the job right away and made the move right away, I would be so busy in the process of moving, that I would never have taken the time and effort necessary to recognize the sadness I have about moving and why it is such a sad thing for me.

Yesterday, I took a mental health day.  I just hung out with my family.  I called a girl friend.  I cried a lot.  I ate food I liked and that made me feel happy.  I didn’t try to be happy, I just allowed myself to be sad.  Today I am better.  I feel lighter.  I don’t have to eat carbohydrates today.  I am not trying to hide my feelings.  I have written my feelings about my mother and our relationship into my journal so they are not out here on the internet.  I am not completely better today.  It is not over.  I am still sad.

But I do feel like I can move now.  I have done my spiritual work, so they can really call anytime.  Right?!  But maybe the Heavenly Father knows I have more spiritual work to do.  Maybe my mother and our relationship wasn’t the only thing I need to unearth in my emotional quest.  I hope there isn’t a lot more….. ugh!  This is hard work!

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