| Families are Forever

Conditions of the Heart

Posted on October 25, 2017 By Carin in Uncategorized

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head right now that I don’t even know where to start. It seems fitting, probably, that for the sake of our discussion today, I should begin with this quote:

“The heart is a tender place. It is sensitive to many influences, both positive and negative. It can be hurt by others. It can be deadened by sin. It can be softened by love. Early in our lives, we learn to guard our hearts. It is like we erect a fence around our hearts with a gate in it. No one can enter that gate unless we allow him or her to.

“In some cases the fence we erect around our hearts could be likened to a small picket fence with a Welcome sign on the gate. Other hearts have been so hurt or so deadened by sin that they have an eight-foot (2.5-m) chain-link fence topped with razor wire around them. The gate is padlocked and has a large No Trespassing sign on it. …

“… The condition of our hearts directly affects our sensitivity to spiritual things. Let us make it a part of our everyday striving to open our hearts to the Spirit. Since we are the guardians of our hearts, we can choose to do so” (Gerald N. Lund, “Opening Our Hearts,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2008, 33, 34).

I relate to this quote is ways I can scarcely venture to enumerate! Part of my heart has had that small picket fence with the welcome sign on it. Then about four miles into it, I have that other fence, erected with eight foot walls, razor wire and the no trespassing sign.

It has been a crazy journey over years of time, as the Lord has tried to teach me about the condition of my heart and the necessity of taking down the razor wire, opening up that second gate and dismantling the fence. I have fought Him most of the way, because someone might get in and mess up that deepest, most sacred, and tender place in my heart…..of myself.

I have finally come to recognize that the place I have walled up, with a no trespassing sign, is the most beautiful part of me. I keep it hidden because people have hurt me in ways that I wasn’t aware of and I just declared, early on…..No more! No one else is getting in. Then no one else can hurt me like that!

I have often assumed it was my parents divorce that did that to me. That was my first conscious memory of stuffing my feelings and sadness into a box and trying to keep it there and keep the lid on it. I knew I would eventually get to the box, but it seemed so much easier to just keep putting more pain and sadness in the box and deal with it later. There was always later, right? I would have time. As more and more sadness got stuffed in there, I had trouble keeping the lid on the box. Food became the answer. If I ate enough food (carbs and sugar and chocolate, oh my gosh, chocolate!!), then I could keep from feeling the things that were leaking out of the box. It was getting full in there, you know?

So I kept at it. More stuff in the box, more food to keep it closed. And if I kept myself too busy, then I could also distract myself from what was in the box and what I was truly feeling.

Over the years, I have recognized the box, and the fences or walls as I referred to them. I recognized I had some control over the walls, not completely, but I could sense that sometimes they were up and sometimes they were down. Sometimes I could wish they were down and they would magically go down. Sometimes people would say or do something to me or my kids, and the walls would go right back up, or I would add a new layer of razor wire. Other times, I just put people on a black list, indicating they would not ever be able to enter, not in a million years.

My Father in Heaven has been so good to me in teaching me about all of this stuff about me. My learning has come in so many areas: scriptures, teachings of the prophets, conversations with friends, blog posts of others, movies, and recently, a fictional book series. Yes I am serious! That is the last place I would expect to learn something about myself. But it happened.

A friend of mine (a librarian, hahahaha!) was reading the series and she and I have had more than a few conversations about our hearts. She asked me if I had read it or would be willing to read it. We are going on a fast weekend getaway together soon and she wanted to discuss it with me, so would I read it. Sure! Not a problem.

I read the series.

I am going to purchase that series and keep it around so that I can read it often!!! The entire series mirrored my personal experiences, except that the main character is a famous rock star….that part doesn’t match my life. The first book had so many similarities that I had to put it down and cry and cry and cry. Through that book, I sought out more revelations from the Lord to help me see how those things I was reading related to me and why they were so painful for me emotionally. I learned new stuff about myself! By the time I read the third book, I understood why I had created the box and the fence and how it was affecting my relationships (specifically my marriage). It has been a crazy week this week. The emotional roller-coaster has been exhilarating and exhausting.

Before I read the series, I got sick. I never get sick for more than a day. But I was sick and down for five days. I didn’t have enough energy to do anything but read a book and I just happened to have this book series sitting in front of me. Don’t even try to tell me that Heavenly Father doesn’t have a sense of humor. He knew that I would ‘get around to it’ eventually, but He wanted me to do it now. So He created or allowed the circumstances so that would be the course of my agency….to pick up the book and get going.

I can probably tell you more about it later. I need to go and teach my seminary kids about the conditions of their hearts….that quote from above? In today’s lesson. No joke. As we do what He asks, when He asks, the pieces and meanings of our lives will come together. They do for me, and they will for you!

Have a great day!! 😎 We’ll talk more later!

Mr. Kyle

Posted on August 28, 2017 By Carin in Uncategorized

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Mr. Kyle

Our oldest son just got his first big boy job!! He is teaching sixth grade, complete with salary and benefits!! He has been teaching for about two weeks now. He comes home at the end of the day exhausted and elated and ready to start the next day. I can say that, not because he lives at home with us, but because I talk to him regularly, almost every day. And every day ends with this sentence: “I love my job, Mom!”

We are so happy for him!!! Yea!! One big boy planted! I am sure things will change….eventually. Because we all know that the only constant is change. But for now, he is happy and has found a professional home. Hooray!!! I cannot believe I am the mother of a professional man….and I still have a first grader at home…..but that is beside the point.

He is going by Mr. Kyle, because well, Mr. Lund is his father. (Think Crush from Finding Nemo….Dude, Mr. Turtle is my father.) And to be honest, I really like his facial hair and his bald head. He looks so much more professional! When I saw him for the first time after he had shaved his head and grown out his beard, “Hey, your head’s upside down!!” He didn’t think that was very funny. I am still laughing. 😆

What eclipse???!!!

Posted on August 23, 2017 By Carin in Uncategorized

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About a week before the eclipse, I started hearing about all of these people in my ward who were going out of town for the eclipse. They wanted to see the whole thing. I thought it was great….interesting…..happy for them. But really?! Ok. I can see the draw. But personally, didn’t really care. I put it on my radar anyway and did a little bit of research (like read CNN) about when it would occur. Then since two of my children still wouldn’t be in school and it was early enough in the morning, I thought I would make sure they had an opportunity to check it out. This was the view from our house:

Totally and completely fogged in!

This is what Drew’s aunt got:

She is an amazing photographer and very creative!!! I LOVE her work! And of course, she is super talented!

Well, so much for the eclipse.

On to more significant matters in our home.

The dishwasher has been down for at least a month. About two days after it went down, we bought a new one and brought it home and put it into the kitchen. Instead of installing it, it kind of became a kitchen island by default. People started piling things on top of it.

I called my plumber friend. He was really busy and didn’t give me a time table.

Now in the mean time of washing dishes by hand, somehow, the garbage disposal was backing up into the dishwasher and the water was then stagnant and disgusting and it wreaked! Eventually I would notice when it started leaking onto the kitchen floor. Finally after the third or fourth time I bailed out the bottom of the dishwasher I was just done with it. I called some random guy in the phone book and asked if he could install it. He agreed but said he didn’t have his calendar in front of him but he would call me later to schedule the time and we agreed on Tuesday.

Then, I didn’t hear from him—-not Saturday when I called him, not Sunday, or Monday or even Tuesday morning. By then, I was really done and decided I could probably manage the task by myself!! (And save myself $140.00 in the process….).

Let me back up. My dad is a plumber and my uncle is a retired contractor. I grew up watching them do things like this and helping them as I got older. So before I called people in, I watched some youtube videos about changing out the dishwasher. Then I decided that I really didn’t want to do that so I called for help. Then after waiting for a moth, I decided I was done with that and made the decision to do it myself! Grumble!

Monday I had purchased all of the supplies I thought I would need so they would be available for the repair guy. So on Tuesday when he still had not called, I decided to just dive into it. I removed the dishwasher from the box, laid it on its back and hooked up the electrical cord, recognized it came with a drain hose (Awesome!! I can return that!), and then attached the 90 degree adapter and water supply hose to the bottom of the dishwasher. As I was evaluating, I recognized that the hose I got was too small to reach to the water turn off valve under the sink—back to the hardware store to replace the hose. I replaced the hose. Then I turned the water under the sink off and flipped the circuit breaker and unplugged the old dishwasher and unhooked it from the water supply. I took the front plate off of the old dishwasher and realized they had laid the wood floor in front of the old dishwasher and it was going to be obnoxious to get the old one out. (This entire process had taken me two and half hours—but I had blocked out the day for the dishwasher guy anyway, so I might as well spend my time wisely!) At this point, I laid on the floor, a bit overwhelmed at the process.

I decided that I would eat lunch, feed my kids, and after lunch reevaluate my position.

Guess who called at 11:30? The handy man guy. He told me that he had lost my number and hadn’t been able to find it and did I still want him to come over and take care of that dishwasher today. At this point, I was thinking, look, I have done most of the work. All that is left is taking the old one out and putting the new one it. I am not paying $140.00 for you to come and finish it off. So I told him I was good and half way through the job. It wasn’t until I got off of the phone that I realized, ‘Wait a minute! You lost my number? I texted it to you!! It was in your phone! You mean to tell me that your phone has been missing for three days? Or are you just so disorganized that you couldn’t manage it? Or were you lying to me?’ Either way, I don’t think you are the guy I want doing this job. Sianara!

After lunch and my phone call, I was much more resolved to tackling this dishwasher!! I managed to lift the dishwasher in its place and screw in one foot. YES!! Then it took another hour to screw in the other foot and I had to recruit Smiley because I couldn’t lift and screw at the same time. We finally got it done and then we tried to pull the old one out. It went pretty well, until we noticed that the water supply line I unhooked was actually the refrigerator supply line. The dishwasher was hooked up behind the dishwasher!! What? That is crazy! Oh well. I turned that water supply line off and unhooked the dishwasher. Out it came! Easy. Then I saw all of the rat droppings under where the dishwasher had been. Fabulous! It took me another hour to find disposable gloves and clean up that mess. Gross!!

I moved the old dishwasher and positioned the new one, shoving hoses and the power supply line through the holes in the cabinets. Then I hooked up the dishwasher drain line to the garbage disposal. I went to plug it in and thought that I probably should hook the water up first. As I went to hook up the water, I realized my supply line fitting was 3/8 inch but my pipe which supplied the water was much bigger. Great! They don’t fit! GRRRRRR!! Now I have to go and find another hose! Back to the hardware store!

I found the plumbing guy and explained my problem. He didn’t quite understand what I was talking about. But I was prepared for that because I am a woman and not very many men believe that I am the one doing these things at my house. I had a photo!!! So I showed him the problem.

Hmmmm…. he was stumped and started doing the things I had already done, like looking for a hose that is 3/8 on one end, but 3/4 on the other…..(because I measured the pipe before I went to the store! Bright thinking!). Then, in the store, I realized that if I could just find a pipe adapter, then I could use that instead of buying a new hose! So we started looking for that……but we couldn’t find one. He gave me another 90 degree elbow, 3/4 on one end and 3/8 on the other and told me to use that. That counsel didn’t sit right with me. So I googled plumbing supply stores (remember we are a very little town!!) and went to a building supply store nearby. They were no help. I texted my plumbing friend. He sent me to a different store. I went there.

They were much more helpful!! He validated that my feelings that the first hardware guy solution wouldn’t work was correct and he got me all the parts that I needed to make it work, including another hose…but 1/2 on one end and 3/8 on the other. As I was driving home from all of this running around, my daughter called to remind me that she had music rehearsal in fifteen minutes and would I be home soon? Really??!!! Yes, I am on my way. At this point, I was ready to cry!! How am I going to get this finished so we can just manage dinner!!

I picked her up to take her over there and as I was pulling away, saw my six year old, totally dejected on the sidewalk. I think he had come running out to see us at the car and we pulled away before we saw him. Then Sun said, Mom some truck was just pulling up to the house as we pulled away. What?? I had better go around the block and make sure Spike Spike got into the house and some random stranger doesn’t think that we drove away leaving him alone!

When I pulled around the block, and parked behind the truck, I realized it was my plumber friend!!! Yea!!! Heavenly Father loves me!!! I ran in, gave him the run down. And he said, well, you won’t need this or this. But this should fix it! And then he stayed and finished installing my dishwasher!! It took him half an hour!! I was so grateful!!! I offered to pay him. He said no. I told him I would make him bread for six weeks!!! He said, Deal!

Then Drew took me to Costco to pick up dinner and get some ice cream to celebrate! Today I have to return all of those unnecessary hardware products!

But here is what I know: Heavenly Father loves me and listens to me…..and even when I don’t ask, He is aware of me and what I am struggling with. I had been waiting for the dishwasher to get fixed for over a month. I had been trying to contact my plumber friend for a month! I am capable of doing hard things….even when I don’t know how or think I can. There are people who can help me if I ask. And when I am up against things I don’t understand, Heavenly Father will send someone to help…especially if I am at a breaking point. When I try to take care of the things He wants me to do, He has my back even when it is just silly things that I want to do. I am so grateful that He loves me!!! He loves you too and He will do those things for you!

A sunset at our house…when it isn’t foggy.

Well……….

Posted on August 21, 2017 By Carin in Uncategorized

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Well……

My blogging percentage is wwwwwaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy down, just in case you hadn’t noticed! But here is an up to date family photo!!

Crazy stuff happened in our family over the last few months. Our missionary came home. We dropped Sport and Speedy off at BYU Provo with Spanky and Scuff. Slim got a job teaching sixth grade!! We are all dying! And we cannot wait until it has been a few weeks. He really is an amazing man and a great teacher! But he has a lot of work to do in the patience department, but he is ready!

The biggest news since I last blogged is that they released Drew as the Bishop. He served on the High Council for four months, specifically serving with the YSA in the area. Two weeks ago, they called him to be our stake patriarch!! He will do a great job, I am sure. His first blessing is tonight.

I cannot believe we are growing up so fast! Six of our ten children are out of the house and adults. Five are returned missionaries—-five! Speedy will turn in his papers at the end of this next school year. Sun is 16! Shorty isn’t ‘shorty’ anymore and is 14. Even Smiley is taller than me!! He is home schooling this year. And Spike Spike is in the first grade, and now is so large that I cannot scoop him out of bed and carry him to the living room for family prayers in the morning. I am not quite sure how I am going to make sure he gets there. Maybe Shorty will have to do it.

If I could summarize the last year that I have not really been blogging, I guess I would have to tell you that I have completed A LOT of emotional work. I have uncovered a lot of unresolved emotional issues, Drew and I have worked out a lot of communication issues (through a lot of miscommunication and then having to resolve it), and I have a more realistic picture of who others are and thus my expectations of them can be more in line with their abilities and my feelings are less hurt because I am not hoping for behavior from them that is unrealistic. I am sorry you are not getting any detail for those things. I am pretty sure that is why I wasn’t blogging. I didn’t know how to ‘not say’ the details of my emotional journey. The results, however, are wonderful! I can cry when my feelings are hurt, usually in the moment, which is sometimes embarrassing…..but I am getting there. I am not usually stuffing my feelings with food because I am not trying to hide from them. As a consequence, I am eating differently and dropping weight without paying any attention to it. I am now below 200, which is about 25 pounds that just went away. I still have a lot of work to do. I am no where near finished and I know I have some big emotional hurdles coming at me….like a freight train. Those will not be fun. But I feel more confident in myself and my emotions and less like I have ‘to be’ something for someone else. I can just be me….drama and all.

I am still teaching seminary. Tomorrow is our first day! Book of Mormon this year! I am super excited because I feel like I know the Book of Mormon, where with the other books of scripture, I had to learn them. I knew some of the stories, but not like I know the Book of Mormon. The Spirit has been trying to take me out of my comfort zone to create a new comfort zone. I have been so scared to teach outside of the manual that it has stifled my teaching. Over the past few months, I have spoken in church twice (twenty minutes each), and at camp three nights (60 minutes each), and done so without notes. I have a baptism coming up, where I am supposed to do that again. It is a new experience trying to speak completely from the Spirit without prior notes or sources. I am sure it has been practice for teaching this year as I choose to teach my students, using the material but not completely leaning on the material. I know I can do it, I have just been afraid to do it on an every day basis. So pray for me, this year as I teach 🙂

I have also learned that big boys still need their mom. Slim calls me almost every day. Spanky and Speedy call sometime during the week. Scuff and Sport call maybe monthly. I do love talking to them, and when we do talk, I am reminded of how much I love them and really like having adult children!!

I think I am going to start slowly–blogging, I mean. I really don’t know how often I will write. But I do know it is time to get back into the saddle, so here I am. Have a great Sabbath Day!!
Love,

That Whole Agency Thing…..

Posted on March 30, 2017 By Carin in Uncategorized

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I am not even sure where to start……

Blogging for me is therapeutic. There is no other way to say it. It is here that I process my feelings, as scary as that is. Not that I need to write for the world to know the innermost thoughts of my heart, but writing allows me to access that part of myself. For some reason, with the business of the world, I just never seem to get back to there. But when I write, I reach down into my soul and pull the words out. Gosh it feel so good!!!

Our life has been super challenging. Over the holidays and right after, I think we were sick for about eight weeks straight! I kept Spike Spike home from school for three weeks because we just could not get control of his asthma. Then when I finally did send him back to school, he was there for four days and came home with pneumonia. I was sick during that time too, and sleep deprived. We have had car issues, and work drama, school drama, ward drama…….stuff everywhere! I don’t know that I need to go into all of it, but how grateful I am for General Conference coming up this weekend!!

It is one of the two times during the year when I get to just sit at home and soak up the Spirit without any expectations for my behavior. I tune the rest of the world out! I am busy that weekend! Sorry! Deal with it!!!! (Although to be honest, Sun does have a rehearsal on Saturday…..but she is only going to one hour in between sessions instead of the two hours they have scheduled.) And this General Conference will be even more wonderful!!! For the first time in 5 and 1/2 years, my husband won’t be the Bishop!!!

Drew was released last Sunday.

Happy, happy day!! I do not mean to sound ungrateful. Serving our ward has been a wonderful gift. I know we have received blessings for his service. But you know what?! We have not received one phone call for the Bishop in almost a week. No extra meetings. No drop by’s. No ‘please tell your husband’ texts. We need some down time. My husband does not exactly run fast, and I think he has been running faster than he likes to for about 5 1/2 years.

Over the last six months, I have been really struggling with some very deep seated sadness. It isn’t anything recent, in fact it is really, really old. I have recognized that I do not have expectations of others, because the person I do have them of and their importance to me is so completely disappointing that I have buried it way down deep, and I have been carrying it around for a long, long time. Over the last year, the Spirit has helped me to see that is what I have been doing and over the last six months, He has been trying to convince me to let it go and turn it back over to Heavenly Father. I have been holding on for about 40 years now thinking that if I just wait and hope and pray a little longer, things will change. Finally, the Spirit has prevailed and helped me to see that the thing I desire most is completely out of my control and not even in my wheelhouse of stewardship. In fact, it is completely the responsibility of someone else and I have to be OK if they choose to use their agency in such a way that my expectations are actually unrealistic. That has been super painful to face. I don’t think I have been able to write simply because it has been so very painful and how do I process all of that publicly anyway?? You don’t ….which is why I haven’t been writing.

I have written here and there in my journal, but it isn’t the same. Most of my journalling (I am making that a verb, even if spell check doesn’t like it…..), is done in the morning while I am trying to plan my seminary lesson. And I don’t know about you, but as soon as I get one lesson out of the way, I have to teach another one tomorrow, so it isn’t even like I have time to process. Plus, the New Testament isn’t exactly my area of expertise. It has been a long year. I am really glad it is almost over.

I love teaching! Love it! I love my kids!!! I have SIX Seniors!!! We have really had some amazing discussions and really had a lot of fun in our classroom. I am really sad they are all going to be graduating. I know that is what is best for them. But next year I have zero Seniors….well, one inactive one. And I am always disappointed that more of my class doesn’t come more often. That is another place where I just have no control. That whole agency thing again.

When I was a younger mother and we had first moved here, I visit taught an amazing woman who I loved and looked up to. She had lots of teenagers and some grown kids too. One day during our visit, she told me that she wasn’t sure she like this whole agency thing. I just couldn’t wrap my head around why she felt that way. I am starting to get it.

Watching people I love use their agency to make mistakes or unwise choices has been really hard for me. I pray for peace. I try not to pray for understanding. I pray to see them as the Lord does. I pray for love and the ability to be kind even when I do not agree.

Having studied enough development, I should be able to understand and reason that most people do not make decisions they disagree with. If they are following a given course of behavior, it is usually because whatever they have reasoned out in their minds is what they think is best for them. I can kind of get that. But where I really struggle is when I know they have information that should lead them to want to follow God’s way, and yet, they just choose not to do that. So far, that has not been my children. But it is people very close to me. People who I love. People who I want to be with me in eternity. But people who are making other choices and their mortal time of decision making is almost over. I think as the time is drawing closer and closer for them to cross the veil, I am facing more and more grief every day. I am recognizing that I have to turn it over to my Father in Heaven or it will eat me alive.

I am still functioning and taking care of my family and my class. But there is a lot more crying—which I know is good. It is not depression. It is just a sign of how much grief and loss is in there. I asked in my prayers the other day, why, why is it so difficult for me? Why is there so much grief over this loss? Why can’t I just say, well, that’s how it is and that’s their choice. Oh well! I should be happy with the response. But it just makes me more sad. The answer was because I love so deeply. Well, if I didn’t, then it wouldn’t hurt so bad would it? Sometimes I wish I could just function that way. That’s not the right answer, by the way…..

See??!! Look what I did? A few paragraphs in and already down to the core. That didn’t take too long. Now the tears are coming.

I really just need to reframe the whole situation. I REALLY need to give it back to my Father in Heaven. He loves them more than I do. He can help them more than I can. It is not my job. But I certainly wanted it to be my success. Maybe that is part of the problem. I really struggle with the results of things. I measure how well I did my job by statistics and the success and choices of my people. That is not a true measure. And those things don’t belong to me. That whole agency thing again……

Thanks for listening, Blogsphere……

It is obviously a work in progress and I am no where near finished.

Little people need you……

Posted on November 6, 2016 By Carin in Uncategorized

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I had an experience this last week that I wanted to share. Spike began attending kindergarten at the start of the school year. I go and help in his class once a week, but only for about an hour. The children know me, but I am not ever present so they do not have the same kinship with me as they do with their teacher—which is fine.

Over the last couple of weeks, as I have dropped Spike off for class, one of his classmates has been having a really difficult time with school. Every morning she is crying because she doesn’t want to be there. It is just heartbreaking to watch this totally sweet, innocent little brown eyed girl with flowing long brown hair, sobbing with her fingers in her mouth because she is sad about being at school.

On Tuesday, she was again having a hard time. Grandma had dropped her off and she wouldn’t even come into the classroom. We had arrived just as class was about to start, so I thought I would help out the teacher and see if she would talk to me so the teacher could manage the other 20 students in the classroom.

At first, she wasn’t very keen on speaking to me. But I eventually won her heart and she opened up to me. As we talked, she shared how much she really just wanted to give her grandma one more hug before she left. And she shared how difficult it is to go to school every day without her sister there. Her sister had been there last year as a 2nd grader while this little person was in transitional kindergarten. I tried to help her see that kindergarten wouldn’t last that long and she would be picked up soon and that she had already done 49 days of kindergarten and she could do one more. During our conversation, she let me know that she wouldn’t be picked up after kindergarten. She had daycare until her mom or grandma got off of work.

At that point, I kind of stopped. Wait a minute. You mean you are five years old, and your day starts before 8 a.m. and you don’t get picked up until 6 p.m.—-Every DAY?!! And you did this last year when you were four? You are five, and you are putting in more than a forty-hour week?!!

Now, I am not trying to blame the parents. I know some parents are in situations where that is the reality of their existence in order to take care of their family. And maybe this is one such family. However, the stress it is putting on this little person is obvious! She is not getting her emotional needs met, at five, because she is being pushed to do more than realistically should be expected of a five year old.

Childhood is so very, very short!! It just broke my heart that those circumstances are the reality of her day. It was so upsetting to me, that when Spike had a doctor’s appointment at 10 that morning, I didn’t bother to bring him back to school. I decided that at least one little person in the world could just come home and play, and be five—the whole day.

When I returned to school that afternoon to pick up Spike’s back pack (because I had intended on taking him back to school after his appointment), the teacher thanked me for helping her little student that morning. I didn’t feel like I had done much. But then, I opened up my heart to her and just shared my feelings with her and why I hadn’t brought Spike back to school. I didn’t think that was that big of a deal either.

But then a miracle happened.

The next day, Spike and I were late to class. Spike’s teacher is excellent about starting class on time. As we walked into class, the children were still playing, 10 minutes into class. There was a happy buzz about the classroom. Everyone was just doing their own thing with or without friends. But the energy in the room was very happy and relaxed. The teacher and I talked for a few minutes. She shared with me that my comments the day before had prompted her to let the kids ‘just be kids’ and to enjoy their classroom and relax. She said that when it was time for school to start, her little emotional person had just gotten settled with a group of girls and after thinking about how hard life it sometimes, she had decided that she just needed to let them play.

I don’t have any idea how long she let them go before she decided that she needed to ‘get them on task’. I don’t even know if that conversation carried over for more than one day. But for that day, it made a difference in the emotional development of at least four people, probably more.

We really don’t know how small and insignificant behaviors affect others. I didn’t think my thoughts were very profound, and certainly I was not purporting an agenda or trying to sway the masses. I just shared the innermost thoughts of my heart with another person–thoughts about how difficult life is for one little girl and how much she is struggling just maintain it from day to day. I am not trying to blame others for her circumstances or theirs…….just making observations, and wishing life was just a little easier and a little less demanding.

Take time out!! Especially for the little people. They were not made to run as fast as we like to think we should. In fact, maybe they are in our lives to make us stop and slow down. If anything I have learned after having nine children, there is nothing more important than the emotional needs of our little people. If we want them to become the kind of people who will change the world for the better, it is up to us to stop the world and validate that they matter! What they think and what they want and what they need! They are valuable! They are important! And it is out job to protect them and remind them of their importance and of our love!

What??!! Two posts in one month? Preposterous!!

Posted on September 30, 2016 By Carin in Uncategorized

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Well, what can I say? Finding my voice back in the blogsphere.

Today I just wanted to recount an experience I had lately (within the last two months) and recognize and celebrate my growth 🙂

A few months ago, I was pulling out of the parking lot of my local Costco. The weather was great, I had the window down in the car and was driving my husband’s little Chevy Prism. As I neared the stop sign, my husband’s brakes aren’t as tight as mine on the van, so it took me a little longer to stop and I coasted past the limit line, but stopped the car well before the intersection. Another driver was turning left onto the street where I was stopping. We passed each other rather tightly, as I under anticipated the time it would take my vehicle to stop and he cut the corner.

He took the occasion to stop his vehicle in the middle of traffic and started yelling at me for not stopping. Now, remember, I did not hit his car, nor did he hit mine. They didn’t even touch each other. He berated me and swore at me for several minutes. I was so dumbfounded by his behavior, I couldn’t do anything but laugh. That was not the right answer by the way. It made him angrier. Then he was yelling at me for laughing. Finally, he said, “I’ll bet you’re just one of those stupid women who is going to vote for Hillary!! You stupid Hillary voter!!!……” and he drove off. All I could say in response was, “I thought that’s who YOU were voting for!” And I drove away laughing.

Sun was in the car with me. She was hot! I have never seen her so upset for such a random occurrence. She was more upset that I was laughing at it and I wasn’t mad.

Now, you need to know, this is about the fourth time some random person has felt the need to publicly criticize me when I have not done anything wrong. The first few times it happened, my feelings were really hurt. I came home and questioned my behavior….did I do or say something that could have been interpreted offensively? Was I mean in some way I didn’t recognize? Did I cut him off on the road? It didn’t take me days to get past it, but it did take hours.

This time, it was obvious to me that I hadn’t done anything wrong. He was being ridiculous and he couldn’t have been feelings good. Everything he did, even though it was directed at me wasn’t because of me and I didn’t have to take any responsibility for his attitude, emotion, or behavior. It was so freeing!! And it didn’t even bother me in the moment, let alone for the rest of the day. In that moment, I recognized that I had grown. I was no longer taking responsibility from other people that belonged to them.

It has been a huge jump in my emotional development!! Growing up in my home, I was taught and trained that I was responsible for other people’s emotions. Guess what?!! I’m not! And neither are you. The things they feel, or don’t feel…..they aren’t your job to create or fix. Feelings belong to each of us. Those things that happen in our hearts because of the things we think or the meanings that we attach to them, they belong to us and not to anyone else. No one else is responsible for them, only us….and we are not responsible for theirs.

Now, I know some of you are saying, yes, but your behavior affects me. And that is true. It does. But how I feel about it, or the meaning I attach to it, that is me, not you.

This entire line of reasoning started for me in the 9th grade. We were required to read Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s search for meaning. His book is about his experience in a Nazi concentration camp. The basic premise is though all of these horrible things happened to people in the camp, those who were able to survive kept some part of their mind free. They had a place in their psyche apart from their experience. The guards of the camp could do whatever they wanted to their bodies, but they couldn’t control how the prisoners felt about it or reacted to it. Those prisoner who could keep a sovereign place in their mind, apart from their experience, fared better than those who could not. It was a fascinating read, even at 14.

Though I had the intellectual understanding that was possible, I really didn’t develop the emotional capacity to put it into practice until the last couple of years. It has been a slow process, but I am finally able to have experiences where I can listen to some random stranger berate me for something that I didn’t do and not get angry or hurt by his behavior and can actually laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. It is still more difficult for me to navigate in relationships that are close to me….mostly I believe because I still want to help others be happy and feel some shared responsibility for making that happen. I know this is one of my weaknesses, that my Father in Heaven is trying to make one of my strengths. And it is working. S….L…..O…..W……L…….Y……. like a sloth over time.

But it was so refreshing to see my growth! So I just had to share it with you!

Have a great weekend!!! I cannot wait for General Conference!!! Watch it here!!!

Ruminations and revelations……

Posted on September 16, 2016 By Carin in Uncategorized

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I know, I know……where have I been?!!

Well, the truth be told, I have been managing some very deep and personal emotions over the last year or so and I have not been and am still not ready to process them in public. Life of course, has carried on. We have done many fun and important things….life is still good.

The processing however, has been super slow. Its not a bad thing. It just is what it is. I can’t make it go any faster, even though I would like it to be done and over with. It is a process and I am in the middle of it.

I have come to a few revelations recently…..now they are really not new, but my understanding of them and ability to apply them….that is new. Here they are:

1. I am not responsible for other’s feelings…..not their reactions…..or the meanings they attach to my behavior. If they really want to know what is going on in my head and my heart, then they should probably just ask me and not make assumptions and allow those assumptions to hurt their feelings. Their hurt feelings are not my fault, even if their hurt feelings are attached to my behavior.

2. When I respond with Christ-like love, compassion, and kindness to their misunderstanding and hurt feelings, things work better and I am more in control of my emotions. When I let my anger, hurt and frustration rule my response to their ridiculousness, we all lose and it gets ugly. Kindness is the key. My husband gave me a necklace for Christmas. It is a simple silver key. I wear it and remind myself that kindness is the key particularly when I am feeling vulnerable to respond in the ‘natural Carin’ way instead of the Christ-like way.

3. Christ focuses on others, even when He himself is hurting. Today in seminary we studied Matthew 14 where the Savior learns of John the Baptist’s beheading. Did you know that was his emotional place when he performed the miracle of the five loaves and two fishes? Did you know that there were five thousand MEN that he fed with those five loaves and two fishes—that there were women and children there too? He probably fed over 10,000 people……when he himself, just wanted to be apart from everyone and mourn the loss of his beloved cousin and the forerunner of His ministry. This particular story touched my heart more than I knew was possible. So many times as a mother, I just want to run screaming from the room and say, “I am sorry you have all of these needs….I need a moment to attend to my own sorrow, or stress or whatever.” Christ would not respond that way. He looked on the multitude with compassion and when the disciples said, “It is late, let us send them away….” Christ said, no….and then took care of them, regardless of His personal pain. I want to be able to respond like that.

4. The Savior is patient with us. He waits for us to figure it out and then gives us further insight or something else to think about. I have come to a place recently where I, in a small measure, recognized emotionally what I gave up when I left my parents and siblings to go to BYU. It is a normal thing for college aged kids to go off to college after graduation right? Well, things were not normal at my house when I left. My mother had just left our family and left all six of us kids with my dad. My dad wanted me to stay home and take over for my mother and help the family in this time of crisis. I knew however, that their ship was sinking and no amount of effort I could put in was going to save it or keep it afloat. I knew that if I didn’t leave when I did, I would spiritually sink with the boat. I left them, children and all, to save myself spiritually. In order to do that, I had to distance myself so far emotionally just so I could survive in my new environment and not mourn the people and things I left behind. I chose God, over my family. Most of them have still not forgiven me for making that choice. They likely never will. I am finally looking back at what I left behind and mourning for those people and relationships. Now, I am not reliving that, just recognizing the sacrifices that were made and mourning those losses, so I can allow my Savior to heal me, instead of having them buried underneath 30 years of life. Functionally, I am cleaning out the closet and finding some nasty stuff in there. As I came to that realization, the Spirit’s gentle whisperings were “I need you to see what you have done in the past and recognize the strength you have within….” I have the feeling I am going to need that knowledge in the near future. I am not excited…….

5. The Savior asks us to do really hard things, but waits patiently until we are willing and able to do it. I have been trying to drop 30 pounds for about 10 years…… I try and try and try but seem to have these emotional places that get in my way. (I think I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds 10 or 15 times.) I have not been able to break through them to figure out the psychological reasons why I eat the way I do and cannot seem to maintain proper food intake to have the results I want. Today during my scripture study, I had a major emotional breakthrough. I think I understand why it has been so hard and I can see that without my new understanding of today, I have not yet been successful in years worth of effort. I think I am ready and now I believe I am capable of actually dropping the weight and keeping it off. Theory is always different than application and my new knowledge is theory. There will still be some ‘falling off the wagon’ as I learn to apply the new knowledge. I will struggle. I will make mistakes. I will have some failures. But as I keep moving forward, I will also have more success than I have in the past. I need to be patient with myself and not beat myself up because it is a process and it is hard and it is new. I can do it, with His help.

6. Each of us has to learn to rely on our Father in Heaven. I recognized this morning that in all of my life, my Father in Heaven has put people in my life who have been able to provide me with the emotional support I need. I have always had someone there who fed me emotionally…….until recently. In the last few years, all of those people have moved away from me. I have not really been able to talk with anyone regularly about the deep troubles in my heart. I have had to learn to pour them out to my Father in prayer. It is never usually one great big long prayer…..but lots of teeny prayers throughout the days. It is hard sometimes when I do not feel supported or fed. But He never leaves me hanging. Like Peter when he was walking on the water, every time I get to the point where I just can’t do it by myself and I am starting to sink, I call, and He reaches out to me. He pulls me close and lets me cry and gives me enough encouragement to dust myself off and try again. Which leads me to my last point……

7. I can trust Him. I do not trust anyone. I allow people to participate in my life to an extent. But I have never trusted most of them with all of my heart. I have been hurt emotionally too many times by people who are suppose to protect me and love me. It is an every day work and effort for me. Every Day! He wants me to share my best self with people. I don’t yet. Because I know people are going to hurt me…..He is asking me to let others in. I am afraid they will ruin the curtains and jump all over the furniture and graffiti on the walls of my soul. I keep them at a distance, so they cannot do that to me. He reminds me that even if they do those things to me, He will heal me. He will always come. He will never let me go. Only I can let go of Him, but He will not let go of me……EVER! He is God. He cannot lie or He would not be God. I can trust Him to take care of me, even when no one else will. This has been the hardest doctrine of all to apply. I forget it daily and need to be reminded.

I cannot believe I am writing. I have not wanted to look that deeply into my soul but these things have been running around in there for quite a while.

I love teaching seminary!! My class is GREAT this year! We went from a class of six to a class of 16—pretty regularly! We have 21 on the rolls and only one student has not shown up at least once. I feel that is a huge success! And we are at the point where the class talks together and communicates with one another. We have seven sets of siblings, which provides its own unique challenges. But we are working on it.

Now that I have ventured into my soul, maybe I will update you on real life in a few days…..maybe not. I may still have more things to think about without putting it out on the blog. But we will see.

Until then, just know that I know Jesus Christ heals. He is real. He knows you personally, all of you—heart, sorrow, sin, thoughts, beliefs……all of it. You do not have to hide from Him. He knows where you are anyway, so you might as well just face yourself in the mirror, acknowledge where you are, and decide to do what you need to to be who you want to be.

It is so freeing to be true to yourself, especially when that truth is in line with His Truth! Have a great weekend!

Healing….

Posted on June 28, 2016 By Carin in Uncategorized

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I had the impression that I needed to call my mother today. That is fine. I haven’t spoken to her for a few months. I made the call and we spoke. We ended up speaking about things when I was a little girl. I just rattled off some of the things I could remember:

Sitting in my mother’s bedroom on her bed while the hailstorm poured outside of our house. Eventually, the hail destroyed our front room window. There was glass and hailstones all over the front room. We never felt scared though because we were safe with my mother.
My brother setting the field on fire during a very dry Texas summer. He went to the fire station to be scolded on being more safe with fire. Instead he got to turn on the fire truck lights and slide down the pole. I was so jealous, I considered lighting the field on fire.
My other little brother got his heel caught in the spokes of one of my parent’s bicycles when they put him into the child seat and rode around.
My grandmother in Oregon made me a teddy bear for Christmas because I was living so far away from her. I remember sticking my fingers through the wrapping paper and feeling his fur.
Throwing up outside of my mother’s bedroom door, in the middle of the night, because I was sick.
The scorpion falling off of the ceiling and into my bowl of cereal.
Hiding and crying in my bedroom closet because my mother lost a baby and it was a boy and I wanted a sister (I already had three brothers at the time) and didn’t think God loved me or was listening to the desires of my heart.
Jumping the fence on the side of the house and getting my shirt caught on the cap of my tooth. When I jumped down, the cap came shooting off. I searched in the grass for what seemed like a long, long time but couldn’t find it. Late that night, my mother noticed, asked me about it, I feigned ignorance and she was sure that I had swallowed it without knowing and insisted that we go to the hospital and x-ray my stomach looking for it. It was in the grass on the side of the house. I never told my mother, until I was married with many, many children.
Catching lizards and climbing trees. One day we even caught an armadillo! That was a great day!

As we were talking, it came up that I had spoken with my father on Father’s Day. We discussed my grandparents’ accident and how it has and did affect my father. My father actually shared some of his feelings with me that Father’s Day. My mother was surprised. Then she told me some things about my grandparents and my father that I didn’t know.

My grandfather visited bars every night after work. My grandmother would send my father to the bar to bring my grandfather home, almost every night.
My grandfather didn’t think that my father was capable of very much or that he had the skills necessary for helping him.
My grandparents built a house. My father was a plumber and had been taught to do that and some electrical work, and building skills by my uncle who was a contractor. My father offered to help his parents with the work and save them some money. Grandpa didn’t think Dad could do it and hired a contractor instead of accepting my father’s offer for assistance.
My father won’t accept responsibility for anything being his fault…..my brothers struggle with the same thing. On the flip side, the women all accept more than their fare share of responsibility, even for things that are not their fault.
My mother tried to get my father to attend counselling for their marriage. He wouldn’t go and said there wasn’t a problem.
My mother tried to get my dad to go on a second honeymoon. My dad wouldn’t do that either. Part of the reason was because the money came from my grandparents’ estate.

As we continued to talk about my dad and the things my mother knew that I had no clue about, my understanding and compassion toward my father grew. I recognized how hard life must have been for him. How unloved he must have felt and probably does feel. His brother and sister rarely talk to him. His parents are deceased. My mother left him. He feels like I abandoned him also, and many of my siblings can only handle so much of his toxicity before they have had enough and need some space.

Over the last year, I have learned a lot of things about my father that I didn’t know. The information is helping to change my perspective of who he is and where he is and what are realistic expectations to have of him. I am more capable of managing conversations with him, especially when he says something intended to hurt me. I can let the comments roll off, and even better, I can place appropriate responsibility for behavior where it lies. I can take what is mine, and I can give what is his back to him without accepting what isn’t mine and without being mean or hurtful. Those skills have been invaluable in building something between us.

The Lord has given me time and space to develop into a person who can manage some abuse and then appropriately place it back where it belongs without doing harm. Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the doctrines of the gospel, I am more capable of properly handling negative emotion and abuse, without it affecting me like it used to. I am healing. Hopefully, I will be able to share some of those things with my father, and he will be able to heal also.

The other miracle that happened in our conversation, was that for the first time, my mother admitted that she had made bad choices that hurt her family. In all of our conversations in the past, she has not expressed what happened in those words, where she said, I did this, and I shouldn’t have. That is healing to me as well. I don’t need her to apologize. I just have wanted her to recognize that her decisions affected the rest of us and she was in control. She could have made a different choice. Now, she can completely repent, heal and let go.

I am so grateful for the principles of the gospel!! How amazing they are when we live them and allow them to penetrate our hearts and become a part of who we are. I am so grateful for Jesus Christ and His example of how to treat people who do wrong to us, and shows us how to forgive and then gives us an opportunity to practice!

Believe…..

Posted on June 26, 2016 By Carin in Uncategorized

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With all of the desperate needs in the world, I struggle to believe that I deserve to have certain blessings in life. A few weeks ago, I read (on CNN because that is the only place I ever read the news) how Venezuela was having rolling black outs because their major source of electricity to power their state is a river and because of the drought, their river is all dried up. For a while, it was just an hour or two a day, now it is days in a row. Businesses are shutting down because they cannot keep running without electricity, so people are not working as much. They showed a typical home, with all of the electronics we have….stereos, computers, stoves, air conditioning, television, lights…..all just sitting there because there was no electricity to power their appliances. Can you imagine how uncomfortably hot and nasty it must be in a South American country without air conditioning? I can’t even think about it. I am completely spoiled here in Northern California when we all think we are dying of heat when it hits 75…….if ever.

A few days ago, I read about how Argentinians are missing work and school to stand in line to purchase food. Adults are eating only one meal a day, or skipping a day of food so there is enough food for the children. And the children aren’t getting enough food either. The economy is collapsing in Argentina and the people are suffering, especially the children who do not have enough nutrition to be growing properly.

And then of course, there are the horrible atrocities happening across the globe with sex slavery, ISIS trying to establish a global Shariah law, famine in various lands, and the natural disasters that occur all over and kill people and make them homeless–even just those things in our own communities here in the United States.

I attended a city council meeting this week because Speedy needed to be there for a class. Our gas taxes have been paying for the street sweeper. Our city council has outsourced that to the garbage company here in the area. Of course, that is going to make our garbage prices rise (I am not speculating…that was part of the discussion at the meeting…..). And they approved doing a study to see how much our sewer and water prices should rise. Of course, they are not going to return our gas taxes. The city has other plans for that money. So they plan on raising our rates for these services, and they have our police department clearing out the homeless population instead of being available for things like traffic accidents and burglaries. We had a friend in an accident, who rolled his car and sat unconscious, upside down, for 15 minutes before the police arrived, in traffic. But we are sending three to four patrols through the homeless population area each day. What is wrong with us? If you are going to raise my taxes and my rates, I don’t want to pay them to the garbage man and the sewer people. I want that money to go to the police and the people who are actually helping our homeless population. How about hiring some of those people to sweep the streets so they have a job and can house their families? I need to write a letter to our city council…..I know, I know…..I will get to that.

But with all of these bigger problems (much bigger than the stresses that I have), I struggle to feel like I deserve to have a life with a lot of material blessings and plenty of monetary resources. I want all people to have food, shelter, love. I want that for every person across the globe. And when so many have so little, I feel undeserving of asking or having more.

For the first time, in a long time, my husband took me out to dinner. We just got Chinese take-out and went and ate it at the beach. Why did we do it? Because for the first time in our married lives we are finally out of credit card debt. Now, just so you have some kind of a perspective, Drew and I have never purchased anything that cost more than $250, in all of our married lives. We have purchased one car that cost $2,000 for which we made $50 monthly payments….seriously. That is the only car we have ever purchased. We have never purchased a new TV, a bed, computer, or furniture that we have needed to pay more for than $250. Isn’t that crazy? So it is not like we have been spending our money for things of no worth. We have used it to buy shoes, fix the car, or go to the dentist, or purchase necessary clothing—by that I mean a pair of pants here or there—not wardrobes or even seasons of clothing.

We are not out of debt. We still have student loans we are working on. And we do not have a mortgage.

The Lord has been trying to help me see that contrary to the way the world works, His desire is that all of His children have everything that He does. He wants everyone to have enough clothing, shelter, food, and love too. He does not want some to suffer and have nothing and starve or freeze, and others to have everything. That is not His program……it is how unrighteous stewards have managed the resources that are available. There is enough on the earth for all of us and more. The Lord has provided that. As an all-wise, all-knowing, all-loving Father, He does not want some of His children to have more than others. He desires all of us to have everything we need and much of what we want. How do I know? Well, scriptures like this:

D&C 104:17
17 For the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yea, I prepared all
things, and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves.

Matthew 5:45
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh
his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

Matthew 6:25-34

25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life,what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat,and the body than raiment?

26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat?or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

And who could forget King Benjamin? Mosiah 2: 10-26

10 I have not commanded you to come up hither that ye should fear me, or that ye should think that I of myself am more than a mortal man.

11 But I am like as yourselves, subject to all manner of infirmities in body and mind; yet I have been chosen by this people, and consecrated by my father, and was suffered by the hand of the Lord that I should be a ruler and a king over this people; and have been kept and preserved by his matchless power, to serve you with all the might, mind and strength which the Lord hath granted unto me.

12 I say unto you that as I have been suffered to spend my days in your service, even up to this time, and have not sought gold nor silver nor any manner of riches of you;

13 Neither have I suffered that ye should be confined in dungeons, nor that ye should make slaves one of another, nor that ye should murder, or plunder, or steal, or commit adultery; nor even have I suffered that ye should commit any manner of wickedness, and have taught you that ye should keep the commandments of the Lord, in all things which he hath commanded you—

14 And even I, myself, have labored with mine own hands that I might serve you, and that ye should not be laden with taxes, and that there should nothing come upon you which was grievous to be borne—and of all these things which I have spoken, ye yourselves are witnesses this day.

15 Yet, my brethren, I have not done these things that I might boast, neither do I tell these things that thereby I might accuse you; but I tell you these things that ye may know that I can answer a clear conscience before God this day.

16 Behold, I say unto you that because I said unto you that I had spent my days in your service, I do not desire to boast, for I have only been in the service of God.

17 And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

18 Behold, ye have called me your king; and if I, whom ye call your king, do labor to serve you, then ought not ye to labor to serve one another?

19 And behold also, if I, whom ye call your king, who has spent his days in your service, and yet has been in the service of God, do merit any thanks from you, O how you ought to thank your heavenly King!

20 I say unto you, my brethren, that if you should render all the thanks and praise which your whole soul has power to possess, to that God who has created you, and has kept and preserved you, and has caused that ye should rejoice,and has granted that ye should live in peace one with another—

21 I say unto you that if ye should serve him who has created you from the beginning, and is preserving you from day to day, by lending you breath, that ye may live and move and do according to your own will, and even supporting you from one moment to another—I say, if ye should serve him with all your whole souls yet ye would be unprofitable servants.

22 And behold, all that he requires of you is to keep his commandments; and he has promised you that if ye would keep his commandments ye should prosper in the land; and he never doth vary from that which he hath said; therefore, if ye do keep his commandments he doth bless you and prosper you.

23 And now, in the first place, he hath created you, and granted unto you your lives, for which ye are indebted unto him.

24 And secondly, he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you.And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be,forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?

25 And now I ask, can ye say aught of yourselves? I answer you, Nay. Ye cannot say that ye are even as much as the dust of the earth; yet ye were created of the dust of the earth; but behold, it belongeth to him who created you.

26 And I, even I, whom ye call your king, am no better than ye yourselves are; for I am also of the dust.

These scriptures help me to know that our Father in Heaven is a loving and gracious Father who desires His children, all of them, to have the things they need and to be treated kindly, justly, and with respect. That is not the reality for most of us. It is the ideal. Why? Why is life like this?

Elder Alexander B. Morrison asks the same question:

Troubles, great and small, seem to be the natural lot of mankind. In our darkest moments, we may agree with Macbeth’s declaration that life is “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing” (William Shakespeare, Macbeth, 5.5.27–28). However, the scriptures and God’s prophets teach us the fallacy of Macbeth’s bleak philosophy and help us recognize that what we call life is a gift of galactic dimensions, a treasure beyond the counting, a time to prepare for the next steps in our eternal journey.

In Alma 34:32–33 we read: “For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea,behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors. … This day oflife …is given us to prepare for eternity” (emphasis added). Helaman told his sons Nephi and Lehi, “And now my sons, … [my]desire is, that ye may … lay up for yourselves a treasure in heaven, yea, which is eternal, and which fadeth not away; yea, that ye may have that precious gift of eternal life, which we have reason to suppose hath been given to our fathers” (Hel.5:8).

I bear my witness that life is a gift, unfolding day by day, and, yes, it is sometimes full of sound and fury—but signifying everything. At this season of gift giving and gift receiving, this season of rejoicing in the great gifts that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have given us, it is most fitting to ponder their greatest gift of all—the gift of life.

What, then, is the meaning of life? What are its central purposes? Can they ever be identified and understood by mortals? These are questions which in one form or another have occupied the time and attention of thoughtful men and women throughout the ages.

He suggests four reasons for life on earth:

1. To gain a body

2. To be tried and tested

3. To become like Jesus Christ

4. To establish our eternal families.

Regardless of our circumstances, these are central purposes to all of us who live or who have ever lived on Earth. We all have the opportunity to forgive others, become the spiritual master of our temporal flesh, to learn to treat others kindly and justly even in the face of persecution and judgement. And many of us, as we come to know who God is and what He expects of us, will have the opportunity to create eternal families as we become worthy to enter His holy temples and take our families there to be sealed eternally.

The trick is to believe that these things are possible for us and then to act in faith on the hope that we will one day, regardless of our circumstances, achieve these blessings that He has promised to all those who will obey His voice and keep His commandments, which includes receiving all that the Father hath….

D&C 84:33-38

33 For whoso is faithful unto the obtaining these two priesthoods of which I have spoken, and the magnifying their calling, are sanctified by the Spirit unto the renewing of their bodies.

34 They become the sons of Moses and of Aaron and the seed of Abraham, and the church and kingdom, and the elect of God.

35 And also all they who receive this priesthood receive me, saith the Lord;

36 For he that receiveth my servants receiveth me;

37 And he that receiveth me receiveth my Father;

38 And he that receiveth my Father receiveth my Father’s kingdom; therefore all that my Father hath shall be given unto him.

Have a great Sabbath…and believe that the Lord loves you and desires you to have all He hath…if you are willing to do what He asks.

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Quotes for my life:

“The refiner’s fire is real, and qualities of character and righteousness that are forged in the furnace of affliction perfect and purify us and prepare us to meet God.”
Elder Quentin L. Cook,The Songs They Could Not Sing, Oct 2011,

“To do well does not mean everything will always turn out well. The key is to remember that faith and obedience are still the answers, even when things go wrong, perhaps especially when things go wrong.”
–David E. Sorensen, “Faith Is the Answer,” Ensign, May 2005.

“The cultivation of Christlike qualities is a demanding and relentless task—it is not for the seasonal worker or for those who will not stretch themselves, again and again.”
President Spencer Kimball, “Privileges and Responsibilities of Sisters,” Ensign, November 1978.