I know, I know……where have I been?!!
Well, the truth be told, I have been managing some very deep and personal emotions over the last year or so and I have not been and am still not ready to process them in public. Life of course, has carried on. We have done many fun and important things….life is still good.
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
The processing however, has been super slow. Its not a bad thing. It just is what it is. I can’t make it go any faster, even though I would like it to be done and over with. It is a process and I am in the middle of it.
I have come to a few revelations recently…..now they are really not new, but my understanding of them and ability to apply them….that is new. Here they are:
1. I am not responsible for other’s feelings…..not their reactions…..or the meanings they attach to my behavior. If they really want to know what is going on in my head and my heart, then they should probably just ask me and not make assumptions and allow those assumptions to hurt their feelings. Their hurt feelings are not my fault, even if their hurt feelings are attached to my behavior.
2. When I respond with Christ-like love, compassion, and kindness to their misunderstanding and hurt feelings, things work better and I am more in control of my emotions. When I let my anger, hurt and frustration rule my response to their ridiculousness, we all lose and it gets ugly. Kindness is the key. My husband gave me a necklace for Christmas. It is a simple silver key. I wear it and remind myself that kindness is the key particularly when I am feeling vulnerable to respond in the ‘natural Carin’ way instead of the Christ-like way.
3. Christ focuses on others, even when He himself is hurting. Today in seminary we studied Matthew 14 where the Savior learns of John the Baptist’s beheading. Did you know that was his emotional place when he performed the miracle of the five loaves and two fishes? Did you know that there were five thousand MEN that he fed with those five loaves and two fishes—that there were women and children there too? He probably fed over 10,000 people……when he himself, just wanted to be apart from everyone and mourn the loss of his beloved cousin and the forerunner of His ministry. This particular story touched my heart more than I knew was possible. So many times as a mother, I just want to run screaming from the room and say, “I am sorry you have all of these needs….I need a moment to attend to my own sorrow, or stress or whatever.” Christ would not respond that way. He looked on the multitude with compassion and when the disciples said, “It is late, let us send them away….” Christ said, no….and then took care of them, regardless of His personal pain. I want to be able to respond like that.
4. The Savior is patient with us. He waits for us to figure it out and then gives us further insight or something else to think about. I have come to a place recently where I, in a small measure, recognized emotionally what I gave up when I left my parents and siblings to go to BYU. It is a normal thing for college aged kids to go off to college after graduation right? Well, things were not normal at my house when I left. My mother had just left our family and left all six of us kids with my dad. My dad wanted me to stay home and take over for my mother and help the family in this time of crisis. I knew however, that their ship was sinking and no amount of effort I could put in was going to save it or keep it afloat. I knew that if I didn’t leave when I did, I would spiritually sink with the boat. I left them, children and all, to save myself spiritually. In order to do that, I had to distance myself so far emotionally just so I could survive in my new environment and not mourn the people and things I left behind. I chose God, over my family. Most of them have still not forgiven me for making that choice. They likely never will. I am finally looking back at what I left behind and mourning for those people and relationships. Now, I am not reliving that, just recognizing the sacrifices that were made and mourning those losses, so I can allow my Savior to heal me, instead of having them buried underneath 30 years of life. Functionally, I am cleaning out the closet and finding some nasty stuff in there. As I came to that realization, the Spirit’s gentle whisperings were “I need you to see what you have done in the past and recognize the strength you have within….” I have the feeling I am going to need that knowledge in the near future. I am not excited…….
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
5. The Savior asks us to do really hard things, but waits patiently until we are willing and able to do it. I have been trying to drop 30 pounds for about 10 years…… I try and try and try but seem to have these emotional places that get in my way. (I think I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds 10 or 15 times.) I have not been able to break through them to figure out the psychological reasons why I eat the way I do and cannot seem to maintain proper food intake to have the results I want. Today during my scripture study, I had a major emotional breakthrough. I think I understand why it has been so hard and I can see that without my new understanding of today, I have not yet been successful in years worth of effort. I think I am ready and now I believe I am capable of actually dropping the weight and keeping it off. Theory is always different than application and my new knowledge is theory. There will still be some ‘falling off the wagon’ as I learn to apply the new knowledge. I will struggle. I will make mistakes. I will have some failures. But as I keep moving forward, I will also have more success than I have in the past. I need to be patient with myself and not beat myself up because it is a process and it is hard and it is new. I can do it, with His help.
6. Each of us has to learn to rely on our Father in Heaven. I recognized this morning that in all of my life, my Father in Heaven has put people in my life who have been able to provide me with the emotional support I need. I have always had someone there who fed me emotionally…….until recently. In the last few years, all of those people have moved away from me. I have not really been able to talk with anyone regularly about the deep troubles in my heart. I have had to learn to pour them out to my Father in prayer. It is never usually one great big long prayer…..but lots of teeny prayers throughout the days. It is hard sometimes when I do not feel supported or fed. But He never leaves me hanging. Like Peter when he was walking on the water, every time I get to the point where I just can’t do it by myself and I am starting to sink, I call, and He reaches out to me. He pulls me close and lets me cry and gives me enough encouragement to dust myself off and try again. Which leads me to my last point……
7. I can trust Him. I do not trust anyone. I allow people to participate in my life to an extent. But I have never trusted most of them with all of my heart. I have been hurt emotionally too many times by people who are suppose to protect me and love me. It is an every day work and effort for me. Every Day! He wants me to share my best self with people. I don’t yet. Because I know people are going to hurt me…..He is asking me to let others in. I am afraid they will ruin the curtains and jump all over the furniture and graffiti on the walls of my soul. I keep them at a distance, so they cannot do that to me. He reminds me that even if they do those things to me, He will heal me. He will always come. He will never let me go. Only I can let go of Him, but He will not let go of me……EVER! He is God. He cannot lie or He would not be God. I can trust Him to take care of me, even when no one else will. This has been the hardest doctrine of all to apply. I forget it daily and need to be reminded.
I cannot believe I am writing. I have not wanted to look that deeply into my soul but these things have been running around in there for quite a while.
I love teaching seminary!! My class is GREAT this year! We went from a class of six to a class of 16—pretty regularly! We have 21 on the rolls and only one student has not shown up at least once. I feel that is a huge success! And we are at the point where the class talks together and communicates with one another. We have seven sets of siblings, which provides its own unique challenges. But we are working on it.
Now that I have ventured into my soul, maybe I will update you on real life in a few days…..maybe not. I may still have more things to think about without putting it out on the blog. But we will see.
Until then, just know that I know Jesus Christ heals. He is real. He knows you personally, all of you—heart, sorrow, sin, thoughts, beliefs……all of it. You do not have to hide from Him. He knows where you are anyway, so you might as well just face yourself in the mirror, acknowledge where you are, and decide to do what you need to to be who you want to be.
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
It is so freeing to be true to yourself, especially when that truth is in line with His Truth! Have a great weekend!
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
I had the impression that I needed to call my mother today. That is fine. I haven’t spoken to her for a few months. I made the call and we spoke. We ended up speaking about things when I was a little girl. I just rattled off some of the things I could remember:
- Sitting in my mother’s bedroom on her bed while the hailstorm poured outside of our house. Eventually, the hail destroyed our front room window. There was glass and hailstones all over the front room. We never felt scared though because we were safe with my mother.
- My brother setting the field on fire during a very dry Texas summer. He went to the fire station to be scolded on being more safe with fire. Instead he got to turn on the fire truck lights and slide down the pole. I was so jealous, I considered lighting the field on fire.
- My other little brother got his heel caught in the spokes of one of my parent’s bicycles when they put him into the child seat and rode around.
- My grandmother in Oregon made me a teddy bear for Christmas because I was living so far away from her. I remember sticking my fingers through the wrapping paper and feeling his fur.
- Throwing up outside of my mother’s bedroom door, in the middle of the night, because I was sick.
- The scorpion falling off of the ceiling and into my bowl of cereal.
- Hiding and crying in my bedroom closet because my mother lost a baby and it was a boy and I wanted a sister (I already had three brothers at the time) and didn’t think God loved me or was listening to the desires of my heart.
- Jumping the fence on the side of the house and getting my shirt caught on the cap of my tooth. When I jumped down, the cap came shooting off. I searched in the grass for what seemed like a long, long time but couldn’t find it. Late that night, my mother noticed, asked me about it, I feigned ignorance and she was sure that I had swallowed it without knowing and insisted that we go to the hospital and x-ray my stomach looking for it. It was in the grass on the side of the house. I never told my mother, until I was married with many, many children.
- Catching lizards and climbing trees. One day we even caught an armadillo! That was a great day!
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
- My grandfather visited bars every night after work. My grandmother would send my father to the bar to bring my grandfather home, almost every night.
- My grandfather didn’t think that my father was capable of very much or that he had the skills necessary for helping him.
- My grandparents built a house. My father was a plumber and had been taught to do that and some electrical work, and building skills by my uncle who was a contractor. My father offered to help his parents with the work and save them some money. Grandpa didn’t think Dad could do it and hired a contractor instead of accepting my father’s offer for assistance.
- My father won’t accept responsibility for anything being his fault…..my brothers struggle with the same thing. On the flip side, the women all accept more than their fare share of responsibility, even for things that are not their fault.
- My mother tried to get my father to attend counselling for their marriage. He wouldn’t go and said there wasn’t a problem.
- My mother tried to get my dad to go on a second honeymoon. My dad wouldn’t do that either. Part of the reason was because the money came from my grandparents’ estate.
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
With all of the desperate needs in the world, I struggle to believe that I deserve to have certain blessings in life. A few weeks ago, I read (on CNN because that is the only place I ever read the news) how Venezuela was having rolling black outs because their major source of electricity to power their state is a river and because of the drought, their river is all dried up. For a while, it was just an hour or two a day, now it is days in a row. Businesses are shutting down because they cannot keep running without electricity, so people are not working as much. They showed a typical home, with all of the electronics we have….stereos, computers, stoves, air conditioning, television, lights…..all just sitting there because there was no electricity to power their appliances. Can you imagine how uncomfortably hot and nasty it must be in a South American country without air conditioning? I can’t even think about it. I am completely spoiled here in Northern California when we all think we are dying of heat when it hits 75…….if ever.
A few days ago, I read about how Argentinians are missing work and school to stand in line to purchase food. Adults are eating only one meal a day, or skipping a day of food so there is enough food for the children. And the children aren’t getting enough food either. The economy is collapsing in Argentina and the people are suffering, especially the children who do not have enough nutrition to be growing properly.
And then of course, there are the horrible atrocities happening across the globe with sex slavery, ISIS trying to establish a global Shariah law, famine in various lands, and the natural disasters that occur all over and kill people and make them homeless–even just those things in our own communities here in the United States.
I attended a city council meeting this week because Speedy needed to be there for a class. Our gas taxes have been paying for the street sweeper. Our city council has outsourced that to the garbage company here in the area. Of course, that is going to make our garbage prices rise (I am not speculating…that was part of the discussion at the meeting…..). And they approved doing a study to see how much our sewer and water prices should rise. Of course, they are not going to return our gas taxes. The city has other plans for that money. So they plan on raising our rates for these services, and they have our police department clearing out the homeless population instead of being available for things like traffic accidents and burglaries. We had a friend in an accident, who rolled his car and sat unconscious, upside down, for 15 minutes before the police arrived, in traffic. But we are sending three to four patrols through the homeless population area each day. What is wrong with us? If you are going to raise my taxes and my rates, I don’t want to pay them to the garbage man and the sewer people. I want that money to go to the police and the people who are actually helping our homeless population. How about hiring some of those people to sweep the streets so they have a job and can house their families? I need to write a letter to our city council…..I know, I know…..I will get to that.
But with all of these bigger problems (much bigger than the stresses that I have), I struggle to feel like I deserve to have a life with a lot of material blessings and plenty of monetary resources. I want all people to have food, shelter, love. I want that for every person across the globe. And when so many have so little, I feel undeserving of asking or having more.
For the first time, in a long time, my husband took me out to dinner. We just got Chinese take-out and went and ate it at the beach. Why did we do it? Because for the first time in our married lives we are finally out of credit card debt. Now, just so you have some kind of a perspective, Drew and I have never purchased anything that cost more than $250, in all of our married lives. We have purchased one car that cost $2,000 for which we made $50 monthly payments….seriously. That is the only car we have ever purchased. We have never purchased a new TV, a bed, computer, or furniture that we have needed to pay more for than $250. Isn’t that crazy? So it is not like we have been spending our money for things of no worth. We have used it to buy shoes, fix the car, or go to the dentist, or purchase necessary clothing—by that I mean a pair of pants here or there—not wardrobes or even seasons of clothing.
We are not out of debt. We still have student loans we are working on. And we do not have a mortgage.
The Lord has been trying to help me see that contrary to the way the world works, His desire is that all of His children have everything that He does. He wants everyone to have enough clothing, shelter, food, and love too. He does not want some to suffer and have nothing and starve or freeze, and others to have everything. That is not His program……it is how unrighteous stewards have managed the resources that are available. There is enough on the earth for all of us and more. The Lord has provided that. As an all-wise, all-knowing, all-loving Father, He does not want some of His children to have more than others. He desires all of us to have everything we need and much of what we want. How do I know? Well, scriptures like this:
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
D&C 104:17
17 For the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yea, I prepared all
things, and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves.
Matthew 5:45
45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh
his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
Matthew 6:25-34
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copyright: Karen Larsen photgraphy |
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
Here at the Lund house, my kiddos would really like to just sleep in every morning, stay up late every night, and just watch tv and play video games every day. I think that would be their ideal summer. Unfortunately for them, I am not that mother. I do not put too many expectations on them during school. They each have their various activities and homework and if they are over 12, I expect them to manage their own laundry and do their nightly chore or responsibility in reference to dinner—which translates to, they either wash the dishes, empty the dishwasher, take out the trash and sweep the floor, or clear and wash the table and put away the food. Yes, I have to spell it out that clearly, or it doesn’t get done. And sometimes even when they are busy, they do not do their job and I end up doing it in the morning. Ugh!
But! During the summer, they are mine, Baby!! I try to help them keep some kind of a schedule, just because this group of kids will do nothing if they can get away with it. This is probably the most structured summer we have ever had!
I thought you might like a look into our schedule. So here it goes. I gave each of the kids a day to plan, prepare, cook, and clean up after dinner. They voted to do the whole enchilada one day, instead of having little jobs each day. That was fine with me, as long as they do the job!! For dinner this week, this was the menu:
Monday (Sun’s Day): Hawaiian Haystacks. Rice, broiled chicken, homemade gravy, pineapple, olives, and peas.
Tuesday (Shorty’s Day): Potato Pizza (ya…I thought this would not be so great….but it is actually pretty good…..as long as you provide some kind of vegetable…..I’ll throw out a recipe for this one in a few days).
Wednesday (Spike Spike’s Day): Breakfast Souffle. This is hysterical. Spike has been planning on cooking since I told the kids they would be doing this. Every day, he wants to know if it is his day. This morning, when I went to wake him up for prayers before Drew left for work, he says, without moving any of his body and laying on his face, “What time is it?” “7:30.” Still not moving, “What day is it?” “Wednesday” “You mean my souffle day?” “Yes!” He whipped the covers off and jumped out of bed…….”I am the cook today!” I died laughing! Yes, your souffle day. He doesn’t even like eggs. He just asked for a cooking set for Christmas and this recipe was one in the kit. So this morning, we put together the souffle. It is sitting in the fridge, ready to be pulled out and cooked later tonight for dinner. I’ll be totally shocked if he actually eats it!
Thursday (Speedy’s Day): Chili Egg/Potato skillet. I’m not terribly excited about this one either…but I’ll let you know later how it was.
Friday (Smiley’s Day): Campbell’s Bean Soup, fried bread, carrot sticks, and pickles. I have been trying to encourage more use of vegetables and carrot sticks and pickles is the extent Smiley would compromise. So be it for this week.
Saturday (Mom and Dad): Tuna Sandwiches and Salad
Sunday (Mom and Dad): Asian Salad and Rice
We ask them to get up at 7:30 a.m. so we can say prayers as a family before Drew leaves for work. I have also been trying to get my teens to do their own scripture reading so they can develop those habits for themselves. Shorty probably does the best at this. He is the most organized and on top of managing himself and his stuff. I never have to remind him to do his work, or wash his laundry, or shower, or anything! Speedy is taking some summer classes, so he is still a little bogged down. But he and Sun both are trying to finish their seminary reading of the Old Testament, before we start the New Testament in the fall.
I also gave each child a specific day of the week for their laundry. Again, Sun and Speedy have trouble with it.
Sun also has a hike next week, so we are trying to walk some each day to help her prepare. By next week, she needs to be able to do five miles. We are still at one……working……bit by bit, right?
And so that we weren’t bored this summer, I decided that each day we would focus on a specific area that we could do together as a family.
Monday: Bedroom day–each person spends some time in their bedrooms to organize, clean out, dust, etc…
Tuesday: House day—clean out a major room in the house including deep cleaning–maybe by the end of the summer our house will show the work we put in???
Wednesday: Brain day—today we are going to the library and doing logic problems We also have to do some of our house cleaning since yesterday we planned and prepared for girls’ camp and worked on Sun’s quilt.
Thursday: Yard day—-weeding and weeding and weeding……need I say more?
Friday: Play day–this week Shorty is trying to complete some merit badge requirements for his Geo-cashing merit badge. So we are going to do a few of those as a family.
Saturday; Sun still has rehearsal for three hours and Drew is home (so the schedule fluctuates).
Sunday: Reserved for observance of the Sabbath.
That is what we are doing this summer. We don’t have any specific family plans. Later in the summer the boys have scout camp and Sun and I have girls’ camp and a trip to Disneyland for her KidCo group. When we get back, school starts! Crazy!
And I am hoping I can convince my sweetheart to spend some money and let us all swim at the neighborhood pool for a month. Everyone swims except Spike. So if we could just go almost every day and play for a couple of hours, that would help him to begin developing some of the skills necessary.
Spike Spike is also working on his reading skills, as he will be entering kindergarten in the fall. I know he doesn’t need to be reading for kindergarten, but the schedule and demands of conforming to someone’s schedule beside his own is going to be difficult enough for him. If he doesn’t have to stress about the academics, it will be an easier transition for him.
What plans do you have for your people this summer? Do you have specific goals, temporal or spiritual for each of those little ones who live with you? Now is a great time to make up things, or prepare for what is coming….when we don’t have other matters pressing in upon us! Make the most of your time with them, and have fun!!
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
Yesterday, Drew’s dad told us a fabulous story! He is the High Priest’s instructor for his ward and yesterday he was responsible for teaching lesson 12 in the Howard W. Hunter manual. As he presented and read these words:
While I was serving as a stake president in the Los Angeles area, my counselors and I asked our bishops to carefully select four or five couples who wanted to further their progress in the Church. Some were less active, others new converts—but they were motivated to spiritually progress. We got them together in a stake class and taught them the gospel. Rather than emphasizing the temple, we stressed a better relationship with our Heavenly Father and his Son, Jesus Christ. Our careful selection process assured success, and the majority of these couples did become active and go to the temple.
he realized that his family is a current example of these specific efforts of President Hunter. My father-in-law grew up in the Los Angeles area. He currently resides there. President Hunter was his stake president when he was a boy. When President Hunter became their stake president, my father-in-law’s father was completely inactive. His mother was not a member. He was 12. They were asked to participate in these classes. Eventually, over time, Drew’s grandfather became active. His grandmother joined the church. By the time my father-in-law was 16 and his sister (I think) was 7, his family was prepared to attend the temple and they were sealed as a family. From this beginning, my father-in-law’s sister married in the temple, her three sons served missions, and three of her five children have intact temple marriages. My father-in-law has three children who have each married in the temple, Drew is serving as bishop, his sister’s husband is currently the bishop of their ward, and the other sister’s husband is serving in the bishopric. Three of the grandsons have served missions and one is out. President Hunter’s efforts and the efforts of his bishops, and home and visiting teachers have directly affected the lives of generations of our family!! Can you imagine the feelings and emotions that must have washed over him as he read and taught those principles realizing the happiness of so many of his descendants are the beneficiaries of such time and love and effort?
Contrast that with my family. My parents were sealed two months before I was born. I am the oldest child. By the time I was 18, both of my parents were excommunicated. None of my siblings, or their families are active in the gospel. Neither are my parents. At this point in time, those generations are lost as to the blessings of the gospel.
I have the gospel largely due to the efforts of my young women, girls’ camp, and seminary leaders. Though they may not know the results of their efforts, those leaders kept working, and teaching, and serving, until I was receptive enough to take what they were offering and run with it. They not only saved a girl, they have saved generations of people—-because my children have leaned and been taught the gospel, have served missions (teaching it to others) and will look for and find spouses who will be willing to teach these principles to my grandchildren, hopefully down on through the lines.
Isn’t that amazing??? We often think that our efforts don’t matter that much. We never touch very many people—-that is just not true.
I also had another amazing experience this week. A missionary who had served in our ward contacted me. When he served in our ward, I could tell he was struggling. I felt the need to write him a letter. I will share it with you, because it is my letter. But here is what I said to him:
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
February 4, 2009
This week, he let me know that he still has this letter and still pulls it out to share it periodically, when he feels its contents will help the person he is speaking with. It really made my heart swell!! I am so grateful for the words of Christ! The doctrine really does change lives, not just one life, generations!!! And not just down the line, but backward too, as we do those temple ordinance for our deceased ancestors!
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
I just want you to know that I know this work is true! It is God’s work! We are His children! He desires all of us to come unto Him and to come into the fold. He denies none to come unto Him. Any that will pay the price are invited to attend and will receive the blessings that come with keeping His commandments!
Don’t quit working! You are making a difference!! You just may not know how much! Have a great day!
Congratulations Speedy!!! We are so very proud of you!! Speedy is graduating an entire year early! In January, we thought we were going to be moving this summer. We spoke with the officials at his high school indicating that we didn’t want him to lose any ground if we actually made the move and needed to transfer to a regular high school. It was early enough in the semester that they said, “If you change his classes like this, by Friday, he can graduate this semester!” So we did it! And then we didn’t move. But we had already rearranged his classes. So he did it!!
Speedy will stay home one more year and finish up his AA at our junior college, and finish his last year of seminary, and then next year, he will apply for college and a year after that put in his mission papers.
Grandma and Grandpa came up for the event!! They only got lost twice! But they made it in time for the ceremony!! Afterward, we went out to eat at the Stuft Potato—amazing, authentic Austrian food! Since Drew served his mission in Austria, it is his personal favorite. And Speedy hadn’t ever been—so off we went. I wish that I had taken photos of the entrees, but I only got dessert……checkout these beauties!!
For me, the best part was that Drew has been teaching me to golf! Dad took us to the course and we rented carts and Dad and Drew played. I rode along. I wanted to play and they paid for me to play, but I was a chicken. So…..next time. I was worried I would hold everyone up. But I can see why men really love the game—little cars to drive all over, hitting a ball and then hunting for it…..hours outside with an objective. Even with the wind it was a ton of fun!
You would be proud of me….at the driving range I actually hit a couple! It is really hard for me to figure it all out. Even though I was really athletic in high school, golf uses totally different muscles! I’m still trying to figure it out!
And you should know that graduation was three weeks ago. It has just taken me that long to get things together and to blog. But here we finally are! We are so proud of you Speedy!! Way to go!!
Congratulations! Love Mom and Dad.
Over Memorial Day, the kids and I went to Fern Canyon. I hadn’t ever been, even though we have lived here for more than 17 years now. The drive is about an hour. We packed up lunches and snacks so we could just spend the entire day out in the sun. It was breath-taking and beautiful! I have never seen anything like it! I guess it is even famous for being where they filmed a part of Jurassic Park—maybe part two or something. Anyway, we got all the way out there, then remembered that we hadn’t brought any cash with us—-they only accepted cash and checks…..bummer. So we had to go back out into the nearest town and get cash, then back into the park—-dirt roads in my mini-van.
Once we got there, we had a blast! Here are some of the photos!
After our beautiful day, we drove out and got back on the road, deciding to head to the beach for an hour or so before heading home. Instead, just as we hit the 101, our car broke down. The check engine light started flashing at me, the car was running super rough and there was a burning smell I didn’t recognize. Fabulous! I decided to pull the car over and call Drew. He suggested that I limp the car along until I was closer to civilization, which was only another 3 miles. When we got there, we called a tow truck.
My husband had a great day!! He decided that living for half of a century is actually a pretty cool accomplishment. He doesn’t feel old or bad about his age and he isn’t having any mid-life crises about hitting that 50 milestone. He really sees things differently than the rest of the world. He even told me that he was born about 1:30 a.m. And in the middle of the night of his birthday, he was awake then. He just thought is was so cool that he was awake when he hit the true hour of his 50th year on earth and then he stayed up for two more hours contemplating how amazing his life is. See? Just a strange man I am married to.
But I wanted to play it all up anyway. So the kids and I planned a wake. Here is his tombstone cake:
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Yes…..this angel did it! |
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copyright: Karen Larsen photography |
I don’t get them. At all. I am one. I should understand them. I don’t. Maybe it is because I have spent so long denying my feminine side because I felt it was a weakness. I don’t know. I don’t feel that way anymore, but it doesn’t mean that I understand my gender any better. Today was exhausting, and it is only 9:40 a.m.
I had an amazing seminary lesson planned–Isaiah 53, all about the Atonement. It was super important! I couldn’t get my little girlie out of bed today. I usually go in and wake her up once before it is time to leave. On the hard days, I have to do it twice. She gets up, puts her shoes on, throws on a sweater, grabs her scriptures and walks out the door. No bathroom stops, no hair or teeth brushing, none of it. Getting up and getting to seminary is all that she can manage at that time in the morning. Did I tell you that she is not a morning person? I am……not such a good combination.
I went in at 5:45 a.m. She wasn’t sleeping in her bed. She slept with Spike again. She does that sometimes because it is hard for him to sleep by himself. I don’t know why. I really like sleeping by myself! I roused her, pulled the covers off and said, “hey, it is time to go….get out of bed.” Then I left the room.
I came back in at 5:50 ish….she was in exactly the same place she was before I left—covers on. So I repeated the process. Back at 6:00 a.m. “Hey, get up!! It is time to leave!” This time before I left the room, she has grabbed the covers and pulled them up. At that point, I let it go. If I fight this any more, I will be late and she will be mad. ugh! So off to seminary without her.
Seminary was OK. The lesson was OK–not great! I had two boys on their phones the entire time, not paying attention, one boy sleeping (that was mine), and I was having trouble keeping the girls’ attention. Whatever. It ended OK. We finished with a nice video and my testimony was good, the Spirit was there—not in abundance, which I would like, but functional. I have learned that I cannot control how much of the Spirit is present. All of the students in my room play a role in that and what they are doing at the moment. I have brought this up to the class and taught them this principle. Anyway.
So when I got home, I wasn’t in the greatest of moods because my lesson didn’t fly the way I wanted it to and my daughter slept through it and when we arrived home, no one, except Drew, was awake. Which means, Shorty hadn’t made anyone breakfast, everyone was still in bed and sleeping. Mind you, when we arrive home from seminary, we have exactly 12 minutes to throw down some breakfast, put together a salad for Drew’s lunch, say prayers as a family and walk out the door in order to catch the bus. That obviously was not happening today. And it is even more significant since we are down to one car. The van has been in the shop for two weeks and will be another week at a different shop. Drama for another day.
Anyway, that is our timeline. It is super tight and obnoxious when you have to deal with as many attitudes as we do here in our house. I went to find Drew, and expressed how frustrated I was with our daughter.
His solution: She is overwhelmed. She needs consequences for not taking care of her responsibilities. She obviously has not had enough or any that mean anything to her. Take away her music. Take away her Chrome book (which belongs to the school, by the way). Take away her babysitting for her favorite person tonight. Take away her performing arts classes and performances. Take it all away and make sure she gets the message!!
Ok. I will think about that. I certainly do not give enough consequences. But that is how you deal with boys. When you do that with Sun, she shuts down more, and more and then does less and less. It is not a motivating scenario for her and then she stops doing everything and becomes more and more overwhelmed and she falls into this self-fulfilling prophesy where she really can’t do it. I have seen her do it over and over again to herself and then tried to help her dig out of the hole she puts herself into so she might be able to function and be successful. Ugh! That is an exhausting process in and of itself!! I do not want to do that!
I take Drew to work. On the way, I decide that I have to go back to the house and get Smiley before I take Speedy out to school or Smiley will be late.
I get home. Smiley is ready. He comes to the car. I take a minute to peak in on Sun. She is sitting in the family room eating a pear—appears ready for school. “What are you doing today?” I asked her. “Going to school I think,” she responds. “Are you ready?”
“Yes.”
“Then go and get in the car.”
As we are getting into the car, Spike throws open the front door and screams, “Moooooommmmm!!!”
“What?!”
“I don’t want you to leave!!”
“I am sorry. I have to take people to school.”
“Don’t leave Mooooommm!”
I drive away with him screaming at the front door with Shorty.
We drop Smiley off. He isn’t late.
Driving away, I tell Sun, “Dear, we need to have a little talk.” The entire time I am praying because I don’t know what I need to do to have her respond the right way. If I say it wrong, I will tank the entire situation and she will crumble. And if I don’t give the right consequences, she will get off the hook and not take her responsibilities seriously. Did I mention that I am also driving the car and she is sitting behind me, so it isn’t like I can see her face except for occasional glances into the rear view mirror.
“Are you feeling overwhelmed?”
“I don’t think so. Maybe.” She also talks really quietly when she is insecure, like you can hardly hear her even sitting right behind you.
“Well, are you behind in school? Are you overwhelmed with your classes right now and school work?”
“Maybe.”
“Can you tell me what you are feeling right now?”
Three minutes up the road, I can see the tears welling up in her eyes through the rear view mirror.
After a few more requests for her to communicate her feelings with me and now with the tears streaming down her face, I pull the car over to the side of the road. Luckily we are at a place where there is space. There isn’t always space on the way to school.
Five more minutes of me asking her to please share her feelings with me.
Finally in a squeaky voice, she says, “I miss Sport!!”
Oh.my.goodness!!! Is that what this whole thing is about?! He left almost a month ago!! And just now this is coming out?! Holy cow! What have you been doing girl?!
I let her cry it out. Good thing Speedy didn’t have to be to school until 10. We talked about how each of us manages our sad and hurt emotions. Sun shuts down and only participates in behaviors that makes her feel happy, that soothe her aching heart. She reads books, listens to music, eats….just coping behaviors that help her to feel better all the while letting the world go on around her and the work just pile up because she is busy trying to soothe her sad feelings. I on the other hand, work myself to death. I am more productive when I am hurt or angry because I channel all of that emotional energy into work—the house is never cleaner than when I am ticked off! I have to make myself S.T.O.P. and feel. I have to think about why I am doing what I am doing and what I am really feeling. We are two girls who deal with our emotional drama at different ends of the spectrum. Sun stops the world and wallows, I ramp it up and squash the feelings. If only we could somehow blend both philosophies so we both have balance! That would be awesome!
Long story shorter—I let her know she would have consequences for missing seminary. She won’t get to babysit tonight. (Her brothers will fill in for her so we do not leave that other family hanging.) She will have to manage her school stuff and get caught up. She won’t get to sit around and listen to music with headphones in. But she feels loved, and heard, and validated. We were only 30 minutes late for school–30 minutes well spent.
Now I get to deal with the boy drama here at home. Lovely! Spike now screams at people when he is mad. So awesome! My favorite!
Maybe we’ll both eventually figure out how to manage these stinky emotions that make up so much of our personality!